Chapter 10 Peter's POV 10 years later -------------- I've been in prison for 10 years now. And I hate it. Tonight, James Brown and I are gonna break out. We've been planning it for months. And today is the day we do it. There is an air vent in our cell. After investigating, we found that it led to an office in cell block A. The office wasn't in use anymore, so we had nothing to worry about. The same office has a window in it. We're gonna climb out the window, then cut through two fences to get to the parking lot. James' friend, Alexander, is gonna leave a car in the parking lot that we can use to get away. It's a risky plan, but if we succeed, then we'll be free. After dinner, we went to work. Some other inmates had managed to smuggle in a screwdriver for us. We used it to open the vent. We crawled in, and started going to the office. We tried our best not to make any noise, but if you were beneath us you would probably think there was an earthquake going on. We hurried up. 5 minutes later, we reached the office. James quickly opened the window, and we went out. There was a security camera attached to the wall, so we had to wait a few minutes before continuing. 2 more security cameras later, we made it to the first fence. I took out a homemade knife and went to work. The knife wasn't very efficient, but it was better then nothing. 10 minutes later, we made an opening big enough for both of us to crawl through. We snuck up to the second wall, then started hacking at it. However, this fence was much harder, and our knife broke within 5 minutes. Our only option now was to crawl over the fence. I didn't want to, since my leg was still sore from a fight a few weeks ago, but we had to. There was no turning back. I steadily made my way up the fence. All was well, until we reached the barbed wires. I hurt my hand on one of them, and blood trickled down my hand. I managed to ignore the pain, and started climbing down. A moment later, my left hand slipped, and I fell to the ground with a loud thud. I cursed. A guard heard me, and stared at the spot I had been at a few minutes ago. Thankfully, he left a few minutes later. We went to the parking lot. 20 feet away, we could see a black Honda, with the license plate DE1382U8. Just like Alexander said. The door was unlocked, so we went inside and took the keys, (which were in the glove compartment) and started the engine. A minute later, we were on the road. James and I smiled at each other. We were finally free.
I like the story! I think you shod change the title to: Fight or Flight I feel like that would describe the story more! But its a good start please write more!
DO NOT PANIC EVERYONE! IS I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE STORY. IM JUST EDITTING THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS.
Chapter 11 Peter's POV James and I drove down the dark road. It felt so good to finally see the real world again. We ate dinner at James' house, then began planning our next crime. This time, we were going to do something huge. Something that would affect the country in every way possible. It was gonna take a long time. But it would be worth it. James was in a gang called "Dark Asylum," so he had easy access to weapons. The first thing we needed to do was get some guns and knifes. Then get a new house. We left James' house to go to Dark Asylum's base. I left a message on the wall: ghe Tisu du'sj kfn yoofng'' nyjus. It didn't mean anything, but it would keep the police distracted for a while. Then we drove off. We stopped at an abandoned shop. There was a hole at the corner that led underground. We climbed down a ladder and ended up at the base. I followed James into a dark room. There was a tall man in front of us. "What do you want?" He said roughly. "Several handguns and a few knifes. Oh, and some grenades would be nice too." James said. The tall man left for a moment, then came back with all that James had said. "600 dollars." The man said. James gave him 6 one hundred dollar bills, then walked away. "Stay here." James said. He walked off into another room, then came back with a grenade launcher. "Where the **** do you..." I began but James cut me off. "Don't ask" he said. We put the launcher into the trunk, then drove off. We broke into a nearby house. I needed to talk to a friend, so I left James in the house, and went to the high school nearby. I had some things to do. First, I entered the school and went into the principal's office. He looked up at me. "Peter?" He asked. I nodded. "I think I own something you need" he said. He disappeared for a moment, then came back with a large bottle. I examined it. "You're sure this will kill?" I asked. "Positive" the principal said. "They will die instantly." I smiled. "How much do you want for it?" I asked. "400 dollars." He replied. I gave him 100, then took the bottle and left before he could do anything. Great. All was going according to plan. I went to the park for my next errand. There, underneath a tall willow tree, I found a bag. I opened it, and found several letters to the governor. I carefully read them. A friend of mine, Anthony, had stolen these letters. Now, we could find out what the governor was planning, so we could fit our schedule accordingly. I was surprised. This was going to be our easiest crime yet.
Dude this story sucks don't right realistic if you have in correct facts and honestly how the hell are they pullin out guns in a small town a gun shoot will be heard by almost everyone
Also, if you don't like my story, don't read it. I said I wanted feedback, but not this kind by people who have no interest in the story whatsoever
So you want positive feedback only, because negative feedback comes from uninterested people? I'm interested in your story, but honestly, it does suck. It lacks detail and any real hook to it. It looks like it was thrown together in a few days. You need to go back and add some more body to this, and this story could become something really, really amazing. But for now, it's just kinda eh. I'll keep reading to see if it improves any.
I'm not saying I don't like negative feedback. I just don't like feedback like sl's. Good negative feedback are ones that are helpful. ie: this is a really good story, but I think you should blah blah blah blah blah. Bad negative feedback is like this: this story really sucks you're a horrible writer blah blah blah blah blah. All I'm saying is that if I want negative feedback, or really any feedback at all, I want it to be from people who care about my story.
People who care, are people who are reading the story because they want to actually read some literature. People who don't care, are people who are just reading the story because they think it's horrible, and they want to leave negative feedback which isn't even helpful
Hate to rain on your parade, but you start off weak. Short story or not, you need more description, better paragraphs. You missed a lot of details and your story's not in the least bit realistic. You have potential though, so don't stop writing.
Hmm this story is kinda okay if you made it into a short movie unless you describe it more. The storyline is okay but try giving a little more background to characters youve just thrown in. It would be nice if you described the alphabet killer's plan from montgomery or justin's perspective. Also dont make the next chapter sound too unrealistic,(nuke,aliens or taking over the govenment) All in all a good story if made in a day.
Chapter 12 Montgomery's POV "45...44...43..." I silently counted to myself while looking down at my textbook. It was Friday, and I was in science, my last subject. I needed to tell Justin something. I was counting how many seconds were left before school was over. That was my only talent. Being able to predict time without looking at a clock. "6...5...4...3...2...1..." RRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGG! I heard the bell. My favorite sound. I took my backpack, grabbed a textbook that I never used, and ran down to Justin's house. It was only a block away, so I reached it in less than 2 minutes. Unfortunately, I was faster that Justin, and I had to wait several more minutes before he arrived. "What are you doing here?" Justin asked me. "I have something to show you." I replied. I ripped out a page from the textbook, then scribbled a note on it. I handed it to Justin. He quickly read it, looked around, then nodded at me and went into his house. He came back with another piece of paper. On it, there were several strange words. It had fallen out of Peter's pocket when they were wrestling. It contained a coded message. The paper I had held the key to the code. I had found it on Peter's phone, and memorized it. We started cracking the code. It was a long message, and it took a long time to decode it. Finally, we decided to just use a computer program to speed things up. 5 downloads and 2 viruses later, we found a legit program. We entered the code and the key, then started the program. The message was very long, and 90% of it wasn't very useful. Around 5 minutes later, we finally came to the good part. We found out the Peter was planning something with bombs. What the full plan was, we never found out. We got interrupted by the loud sound of a gun firing. "What the hell was that?" I said. Justin shrugged. We both live in Boston, which is a fairly large city, so murders and stuff like that were normal. We had heard gun shots several times. Heck, the police even went through our neighborhood once in a car chase! But this time, the gun shots sounded louder. Something we weren't used to. I slowly opened the door, then took a look outside. I instantly slammed the door shut once I saw what was going on. "Get your parents." I said to Justin. He shook his head. "It's their anniversary. They're at the beach, and they left me behind to take care of our dog." "Well," I replied "in that case, we're screwed." Justin took a peek outside, and quickly nodded in agreement. "Yep, we are screwed." He said. "Hold on a sec." He said. He dashed upstairs, and came back with a pistol. "I keep this in case of an emergency." He said. "...I don't think that will be much of a help against an AK-47." I replied. "Well, it's better than nothing." I guess I should slow down and tell you what we saw. Well, to keep from over complicating things, we saw a guy with a rifle shooting rapidly in the air at something we couldn't see. I felt so depressed. Everything had gone crazy in the past few weeks. I missed my normal life. I missed not having to check every corner for gunmen. I even missed having Justin bully me. But, some things just can't be changed. And this seemed like 1 of them.
Lol children with handguns against a whole mob of gunmen with a mysterous plan? I think you just degraded your storey there. Ps sorry if im being so harsh ive been reading high quality stories on other threads
You should explain what happens we don't know what happens before an event how they got it where they are are there any people around? There's just absolutely no structure around the plot. I am completely confused on what happens. I have no setting just two kids and a man with a gun and you said Justin had a gun too what happen to that?