Not sure I'f a second try counts.. The walls were crumbling,my fellow crusaders were dying, and I even had an arrow in my thigh! Summoning all my courage I looked out the battlement to see swarms of the Turkish soldiers led by their sultan himself. Knowing victory wasn't an option we had I grabbed a sword and walked onto a wall crawling with the infidels. slash hack lunge chop!. God must have been with me brcause they were routing! I yelled out a battle cry and went down to the gates where the sultan was. I got them by surprise but they were too many.... Knowing the end was near, I threw myself at the soldiers not caring for personal safety! fwang! a scimitar had stabbed wounded thigh. "ahhhhhh!" the sultan looked at me with complete disgust and uttered something in Arabic and the soldiers took me in chains. I knew one day I would break out and fight again for the holy cause!
I opened my eyes and groaned. Another day of eating small rations of food and water. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I looked to my side and grabbed the plate-mail next to me and put it over my head and on my body. I stood up an grabbed my spear. "Hey man," my friend Diego said as I walked past. He was about 6"1 with a deep tan, dirty blonde hair, and he was in the elite recon squad with me. Seeing as how we were under siege or the past two months, "elite" didn't mean much. Though it was still better than the "normal" soldiers. They got even smaller rations than us. "Come on, or we'll be late to guard our posts!" I shouted at Diego. "Okay, okay, I'm coming!" He shouted back. I saw him get up in my peripheral vision. "Help us! They're slammin' the the doors!" a group of regular soldiers shouted at us. I gasped and crouched down, just as a massive splinter cracked from the door and flew over my head. I gripped my spear harder and ran up with Diego right behind me. Rushing up against the door I could hear the heave and sigh of the wooden door, and knew it wouldn't last long. I put my shoulder against the door as the enemy soldiers slammed the door again. I flew backwards and hit a tree behind me as they slammed a second time. I sat up and rubbed my head and put my spear pointing toward the door the same second as the doors flew apart. Bits of shrapnel and wood flew around me, and my eyes met one of the enemy soldiers. He screamed a battle cry and ran toward me. He was wearing a normal soldiers garb, his black hair could be seen under a half on half not mail coif. He was about 6"2, probably came from a taller family. His battle-ax came crashing down on the tree behind me, shaking me out of a small reverie of my first time with a spear. I brought my spear up on his armpits and stuck it fast. I let go of the spear and brought my right foot and my arms back, then bounced forward my foot and slammed it into his stomach. He fell backwards clutching my spear, and grabbed it out. Bad choice. Blood flowed from the wound, and I took advantage of that. I twisted under his right arm and popped up behind him, then grabbed the back of his head with my right hand, and under his chin with my left hand, and pulled back sharply in one fluid motion. His body sagged underneath me a second after the loud crack had permeated my small world with him and I. A second later the smell of excrement wafted up to me, so I grabbed my spear and ran to the main fight. All a person could hear was screams, though the more skilled of ears could probably hear the clash of metal on metal and also the crack of metal hitting bone. I twirled around and pulled out my knife, stabbed one person with my spear, then went straight for his neck with my knife. I grabbed my weapons and quickly ran away from the fight. Even though the fight was still going on, and someone might call me a coward, but I knew if I didn't drink nor eat I would just run out of energy quicker. Grabbing my water container I glugged down the small contents, then quickly ate a small chicken leg, then ran back toward the fight. We were losing by a small amount, and counting. I ran up to a small ridge with a pack of arrows and a bow from a fallen comrade. Looking down on the fight, I located a bunch of the enemies body armor, which was the only place I could shoot at without fear of hitting an ally. I pulled an arrow from the pack beside me, put it in the notch, and pulled back. I let loose the arrow, and heard a small thunk in the backround. Damn! Didn't hit anyone! Looks like I'll have to shoot again. I only have one arrow left... Better make it count. I grabbed the last arrow and strung it like I had before. The arrow flew through the air, and slammed into the small exposed part of the man's armor by his neck. The scream that came up from the man was horrible, though I had to live through it. Grabbing my spear I jumped back into the fray. The next few minutes were full of screams, blood, and confusion. I thought I saw Diego somewhere during the fight, but I couldn't be sure because he disappeared as soon as I saw him. In minutes the fight was over. We had suffered many casualties, but we had won! I scanned the mass of faces for Diego, but couldn't find the him immediately. There was a cough behind me, so I turned. Diego was stretched before me on the ground. I immediately ran to his side, "The wound, is it...?" "Fatal? Yes," he said as he coughed blood up. "You never told me your full name, but I did know it from your scratchings under your bed: Samuel Ray Griffons," he said as he winked, "I guess I'll see you in the afterlife." I was suddenly pushed to the side as some guards picked up his body and ran him to the med bay, though I knew he wouldn't make it. I sighed and walked back to my post, already knowing what the grave would look like: "RIP Diego Solomon Harien 1249-1268 He died protecting what he knew was right" I actually knew that that is EXACTLY what it would say. The High Council didn't have time for the dead nor wounded. I sighed and walked up to the battlements, then stood in a juxtaposition to an archer standing beside me. Looking out on the fields in front of me, I realized that it would be a long time before the "High Council" decided to stow their ego's, and surrender. In the meantime, we would all have to cope with the horrors of being under siege. I buried my head in my hands as a flow of tears covered my face. I knew it would be a long, long, month.
Student: Beriadanwen Critic: OkamiAmaterasu Topic: Write a scene about a soldier under siege Overall Grade: A Writing Style: A Flow: A Description (adjectives): B+ Grammar: A Beginning/Ending: A Characters: B+ Setting: B Emotion: A Dialogue: A Comments: As the last time, I really do love your writing style. The flow of the story is continous and I never find myself "stuck". Your descriptions have improved, though they could still use some more work, but that's just me being picky. Your grammar and spelling just makes me want to hug you, because it's excellent Your beginning immidiately captured my attention and an urge to read the story came over me. Believe me, many people find it hard to make up an eye-catching beginning. Another thing I loved was the ending and the fact that it was the same line from the beginning. It gave the story a somewhat poetic feel, which is always good. The ending kept me thinking about what would happen next Also, the ending was surprising and well-written. Awesome! You have really improved your character descriptions. I could practically see Burnden and Marcus in front of me while reading! It was great that you didn't write "Marcus had brown hair", but you wove into an action "He ran a gauntleted hand through his disheveled brown hair". Awesome! I do feel that your description of what the scene looks like should be a bit more detailed. Not every tiny detail, but maybe an overview of the scene woven into an action. It's good already, but I'm very picky because I want to find something you can improve on, so that your writing can become perfect. As the last time, you put in emotion in the character's actions and not in plain text. That is something many struggle with, but that you've almost mastered. Just a little bit more, if I'm to be picky. Your dialogue has been heavily improved. Now, it's not the "only" thing driving the plot forward, but it still brings a lot of emotion into the story. I also love how you write Burnden's dialogue. It's almost like I hear him talking in a heavy accent. Great job! Overall, your writing is awesome and I appreciate that you listen to what I have to say. It's very hard writing any critique for you at all, because you are already so good, so that's why I'm very picky. I can't wait to read more of your work! And one more thing... Congratulations on your second A! Keep it up, and you'll get an A+
I felt a burning sensation on my back, I got up and a burning lantern had been on my back. I took in my surroundings and realised the war was happening right now. The empire had us under siege, but they didn't know that every night we were sneaking out 10 people in the tunnel we had in the castle for emergencys. Then I heard a horn blasting. I thought oh ****. The defines had been breached. My brother who I found while I was going to help defend the wall said," what's going to happen Jiron?" I replied ," I don't know Miko." We finally made it to the wall, I asked the captain,"what can I do to help." He replied," grab a bow and arrow and shoot into the masses." I looked down and saw hundreds and hundreds of soldiers. I started randomly shooting, I took out a lot of people mostly normal soldiers but I got a few of there captains. I ran out of arrows. Then an expert archer shot me on the shoulder but he was aiming for my heart, he missed because I was about to reach down pick up a sword. Pain flared up in my shoulder I screamed in pain as the blood gushed out. I ripped out the arrow and saw that it had barbed wire wrapped round it. I started to see black spots but I ripped a length of material of a fallen soldiers shirt. It quickly turned red. I still picked up the sword and went down the concrete steps. I started hack slash block stab. I repeated this until I was falling over from exhaustion. I saw a mage in concentration chanting a spell. I started running over and as I slashed I fell unconscious but i still managed to cleave the mages body in half.I thought this was the end but it was really just the start........ It's probably rubbish
My interwebs has been broken, so I have to do this now, sorry. Castle Redmount was impregnable. It was high up on a steep hill surrounded by water. The only way to the castle was a single path up the mountain. To take this castle was to take the entire kingdom. And that is exactly what the enemy was doing. We heard of the attackers a year ago, heard that they were going around and taking the castles in hope of conquering the kingdom. We never thought they were going to make it this far. Then suddenly about 2 months ago we saw a small group of soldiers on the border of the castle. I, the king, took it as nothing, campers usually stayed around here and left in the morning. These people didn’t. The next day, more people came. Soon it was their entire army, including 3 incredibly dangerous catapults. BOOM! The wall around me started to collapse. I jumped out of the way of a huge piece of stone about to fall on my head. This seemed like their final assault, they were determined to either take this castle today, or die trying. I had to make it to my family, make sure they were alright. Out in the main courtyard of the keep I saw it was already getting out of hand. Enemy soldiers had already started flooding through the gates and storming us. I unsheathed my sword and hacked down 3 before I had to retreat. I knew my family didn’t have much time; soon the soldiers would go into the room and find them… I didn’t even want to think about that. I climbed the staircase to my tower, cursing about how the spiral went. It made it so anyone coming up would have trouble attacking because of the pillar, but this was working against me now. Luckily, I made it all the way to the top. I opened my door to stand face to face with a soldier, my wife in his arms and a knife at her throat. I felt anger building up inside of me, I could die for my castle, but no one, and I mean no one would touch my family. Lunging at speed that might have seemed impossible I stabbed the person holding hostage to my wife. I kissed her, happy that she was alive. “Where are the children Maria? Where are they?” “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize what was going on; I was out in walking the castle. I came as soon as I could, just before you did, but… it was too late.” Tears started dripping to the floor. I put my arms around her. “There’s no time to do this, you have to get out.” “What about you? You can’t leave me alone. I can’t survive without you Paul, don’t let me lose you to.” “I have to defend my castle, start a new life, and make a fresh start. Just don’t forget me.” I pulled up the rug next to our bed, revealing the secret escape route I had installed when the castle was being built, in case something like this happened. We kissed one last time, tears swelling up in my eyes before she pulled the door above her head. I replaced the rug, and ran back outside. Then, from my peach on the 4th floor, I saw just coming into the castle the enemy leader, with his crown and cape that distinguished him from the others. If he was stopped, then maybe the opposition would be unable to function without a leader. It was a shot, and I was going to take it. I pulled my bow off from my back, and took an arrow from the quiver. As a king, it was an unorthodox thing to practice with a bow, or any weapon at that. But, knowing if one day attackers did come, I should be able to keep up with anyone in a fight. I took all the information I learned from the weapons expert at the castle, and let the arrow fly. It hit its mark, landing in the side of his neck. He fell, and everyone stopped to look at him. We had lost the battle, there were just way to many of them, but I felt like now, maybe everyone else had a chance to live. I was a high priority target, as a king I would know the secrets of every castle. So I had to do the right thing. I went over to the edge of the castle, and jumped, falling 4 floors to my death.
I didn't even read anyone elses, as i already said i had broken interwebs. But i felt like it would be easier, did you like it webs?