Sorry I couldn't post it before...my internet connection is unstable :| “He was fast. Too fast. Not even I, the infamous thief Kraemin Metrolsim, could outrun him.” I explained to the man sitting across the table from me. He was Inspector Ruman, and he was investigating the robbery and murder of the mayor, Harrigan Dwyers. “So,” Ruman said, rubbing his brown goatee “you’re telling me that he could easily catch you, but let you go?” “Yes!” I exclaimed, nearly knocking off my black leather hat “Well, er, no. You see, I was kinda hiding after I saw him murder Mayor Dwyers...” He looked at me solemnly. Ruman had been questioning me for a few minutes, and although I had not previously known him, he didn’t seem like the sharpest sword in the sheath. “Well, Mister...Metrolsim, do you think you could describe the culprit you claim to have seen to a sketch artist?” “Indeed I could.” I replied as I stood up out of the chair. I cursed as it tore a rip into my favorite, navy blue tunic. “Not so fast, tiger,” Ruman exclaimed as he pushed me into my seat “I know you can escape easily. Wait here.” ****** “He had on black leather pants and a matching, long sleeve shirt,” I told the sketch artist. “I know he was a man, for it was a tight-fitting shirt, and uh, well...I didn’t see-” “I understand,” the female artist replied with a cold glare. “Anyways, he was probably a foot higher than the mayor, wiry build.” I finished. Ruman growled, “What about his face?” I gulped. “Well...it was covered in a white mask...with two slits for eyeholes and a mouth hole...it was... well...” “Finish, man!” Ruman slammed his fist onto the table. “It was covered in blood,” I replied, face paling “I could only tell it was white because afterwards...he licked it up.” ********* I lay in my cell, sleep evading me. I was being forced to stay in the city jail until they caught the culprit. I closed my eyes, both fearing and yearning sleep, for the nightmares would surely be horrible. Then suddenly, I heard my cell door creak open. “Who’s there?” I whispered in a small voice “Ruman?” A dreaded figure stepped forward. It was him! The man in the bloodstained mask! “You...you can identify me.” he answered in a calm yet grave voice. “So now you die.” I heard the click of a crossbow trigger being pulled, then felt pain, horrible pain, for a split second, before I died.
test 0.0 Sorry I'm posting late, I just got on. Something wet and warm was dripping down my face. I could taste it, salty sweat and... blood. Blood? I check myself for injuries. A cut, a bullet must have grazed my cheek. I hadn't had a chance to catch my breath until now. I'd been on the run for an hour, ducking into alleys and door to try to throw off my pursuers. You may be wondering who I am and why I'm running. Even I don't remember my real name after all the aliases, but they call me the Serpent. As for why I'm running, I stole a hefty sum from a government warehouse. Getting in wasn't hard, I took the time to learn the security and make a good plan. I slipped past the guards, dead bodies don't check in. I punched in the codes and walked inside. Then I had to maneuver around lasers to reach the vaults. I grabbed as much gold as I could fit into the duffel bag. That's when things started to go wrong. As I lifted the gold off, the table started to rise and an alarm went off. I was was being followed by a squad of guards. They seemed to know my every move, though I managed to slip out into the city. To Be Continued Later
Student: Matzah Critic: Irin Topic: Write a scene about a thief escaping from the heist. Overall Grade: B+ Writing Style: A Event Flow: A- Adjectives: A Grammar: B+ Beginning/Ending: D+ Characters: B + Setting: B- Themes: N/A Emotion: F Comments: Overall, well done, especially for this being the first assignment. There are a few things, however, that didn't sit well with me. We'll start at the beginning. Your beginning. And I must say it was a bit weak. The first few sentences of whatever you write has to make the reader want to read more, and yours just didn't do that for me. Try to make your opening sentences a bit more interesting. Also, your first sentences had I-syndrome. That is, you repeatedly used the word eye. There's an old saying, "Showing, not telling." Have you heard of it. I don't think it was necessary for you to put in what your character was wearing right away. I would definitely have given you brownie points if you had put it in as a detail in another part of the scene. "I looked as inconspicuous as anyone in my normal attire of a long sleeved shirt and these worn out jeans." A sentence like that kills two birds in one stone. It describes what your main character is wearing, and it shows what your character was thinking of/trying to achieve/ect. I do like the time stamp, that was a very good idea, as well as stating the place alongside it. It can be tricky to identify your place in a short scene, so this was very clever. However, I don't like this sentence. "It was John, he was coming to take over for me." Who is John? Why would a random person named John come over take over for you? Oh, he's your coworker? Okay, next time identify him please. I'd also like to see some emotion. Some sign that this character, Scott, is indeed human. Is he nervous about what he's about to do? Anxious? Excited? "It was time to take a quiz to see how much I could remember." I very much like this analogy, well done. I also like the bullet points in the form of questions. Also very clever. However, there are only tow of them, which sorta negates the whole purpose for them in the first place. Also, to me they seemed a bit rushed. For instance, " I reached into my pocket and found the piece of paper that just happened to go missing from my boss’s desk earlier that week that just happened to have my code." This sentence is too wordy. Put some punctuation in there to break it up. And I would have but 'also' before the second 'just happened.' And when he's entering the passcode, do you think his hands might be shaking from the nerves? Or is he cool as a cucumber since he's done robberies like this before? " I did it, I can take the jewels." You have a change in tense there, from past to present, which is normally a big no-no in writing with a few exceptions. To make that grammatically correct, add a comma, then put 'I thought.' Or something along the same lines. Spiral staircase? Nice detail! But I would take this out. "Carefully I took a corner just as another guard was going to relieve someone in the other part of the museum. They staggered the movements over time, not just at once so that someone trying to steal something would get caught." You could put the staggered movements detail in the beginning, but here it just takes away from the action. When Scott's boss comes in, you should put in a detail of Scott trying to hide the burlap sack and all the evidence that could incriminate him. It might look suspicious to the boss. On the subject of the boss, I like the nice short and sweet description of him. Your ending was mediocre. I would have liked some more feeling in there. Feeling is the most important thing in a work of fiction, because it connects the reader to the character. So maybe next time, you can put in words of success and triumph? I mean, he just walked out the door with millions in precious gems. If I were him, I'd be pretty happy! Overall, well done. I'll be looking forward to seeing your next piece. Cheers! -Irin P.S To all: Am I being to harsh in nit-picking everything? Just trying to give an accurate critique, but if I am being too harsh, please let me know as this was not my intention.
Great! Can't wait to see your improvement! We should totally have progress reports! XD And glad to have helped, Matzah!
Academy Briefing: Student:RoarPoptarts Critic:GlooMi/iPim Theme: Describe a heist Theme Incorporation: A Beginning: A Conclusion: A Description- Setting: B Characters: B General: A ----------------- Plot: B Emotion:A Dialogue: B Overall: A Comments: Wonderful Job! I thoroughly enjoyed reading that! The beginning with the description if the police sirens was gripping! However, the beginning of the ending seemed a little rushed. I know it was supposed to happen quickly and surprise everyone, but it seemed like you were saying "okay he's dead! Now here's the mysterious part," I enjoyed how you described the fear of the protagonist, and the props that defined him, however I'm disappointed that you didn't describe his body more especially his face. Same with the woman. The description of the setting was good, however, perhaps use more senses than just sight and sound. It's more difficult in 3rd person, but if you can pull it off it can really help the readers be pulled into the scene. When I was reading it I felt detached from the story. However I love the little details like the burlap sack or the ground cigarette. Your dialogue was nice, short sweet and to the point. One of my pet peeves is dialogue that goes on forever! You definitely deserved that A! Keep up the good work! I also apologize if I'm being nit picky or harsh. I'm not trying to be scary
I plan on participating in tomorrow's assignment... I wasn't, well... Open today... I wasn't really in the mood to write a heist either... Well... *Awkward moment*
Thanks for the criticism Pim, I'll take it into account, and I appreciate your expert opinion. No criticism is too harsh, so long as it is truthful. I think I'd like to copywrite that last sentence lol
So then copyright it! I hope tomorrows assignment can allow me to write a story involving the zombie apocalypse...