Thanks Kimber. Your review gave me an idea lol. Yo LM, being defiant as I am, care for another bout lol. I'm really competitive lmfao. iZ
I would vote with Marian. Zain you're concept had merit but you relied heavily on simile and descriptive rather than being experiential. In other words your poem told us about being lost rather than actually being an experience of being lost. Even more profound would be to cause the reader to experience being lost themeselves in the reading. Not an easy feat to be sure. Marian yours did more to express a first-person experience of being lost. I did find some of the metaphors to be a bit strained and you don't seem to trust your reader much. Seems like you want to give them everything rather than letting them discover themselves in your words. They leaving some of the meaning indeterminent.
You told me the limits the sky Then you turned a blind eye My luminous glow started to fade Then I began to lose my way Serve only yourself, steal, destroy and cause disarray Family, friends and love, the prices I was willing to pay Less is not more When you want you take You neglected to guide me To correct my mistakes I've gained all the possessions I've ever desired But what will it mean when my life has expired? What first came free, now is lost And cannot be bought back at any cost
Abi! Quite nicely done for short time to work! Nice turn of phrase at the end. Kimber I like how you take greed away from obvious ideas of possessions and turn it to greed for relations. However I think you got a bit muddy because 2nd half of poem seemed more about envy or jealousy than greed. While I agree they can certainly be related, I think the connection needs to be better developed in the text
K this has nothing to do with anything I just like it! Caught I am caught. Caught by the restraints of the wind, The mountains, the grasses. Every living thing holds me, And I can not escape. The pain is harsh, A living fire in my soul. I cry out, But my cry is lost to the wind. I slump, defeated. I let my life slip away, Blown to the wind. My spirit, at last, is free. God that stinks!