Aug. 20 (6:49a) It was evident she was excited about something. [omit "but"] What is was, [add comma]... [l/c s] she yelled in [a] high[-]pitched
Sorry; disregard last line ...[as] [l/c s] she yelled [screamed] in [with a] high[-]pitch[ed] voice. Ideal ruby is referred to as "pigeon blood red." consider replacing "flawless." ...bronze into [omit "in"] [omit "a"] bright red... next sentence is fragmented. suggestion: She stood up haughtily from my bed side and [verb] made her way to the door. ...she said coldly[replace] [add] with an icy tone. Move sentence, "I had known ever since..." after "She was my best friend and..." I was a low[-]ranked palace guard and she was a handmaiden of the [cap Q] Queen of Ycha... ...and wine he over[-]endulged [indulged] himself with.
Aug. 19 (10:01p) Fragmented sentence: Most of them were young like myself but... [consider breaking into 2 sentences: end @ "myself." omit "but" & cap "There..."] Next sent, add [,] after "today" Cap: ...King and Queen. At that sound[,] our bodies... Consider rewording: ...more noble in front of them. To: ...more noble in their presence. ...higher classed [class] citizens... ...ornately jewel[-]encrusted... ...trimmed[,] light brown hair... ...one of the most loved [beloved] people... Elaborate more on Queen's "perfect" figure & "beautiful" face (since it's a comparison to Soros, need to paint a picture in readers mind of how much more)--up to this pt I still can't picture her (Soros) in my mind. Also, "beautiful" is used too frequently; consider other adjectives. Need more description re: type of precious stones for "jeweled necklace" & furs (sable? length?)-- this is a sign of kingdom's wealth/affluence. Fragmented sent: ...until they finally rested on me and... instead: ...until they finally caught mine. "She had never looked more..." run-on sentence -- rewrite (if you need suggestions, lmk).
Hey I'm new here...im a 15 year old girl and my name is Lianne...well I really don't know how to use the app lol
dc, you certainly don't disappoint! & you have a natural ability to keep the story plot interesting. Write faster!! lol