"If you ever loved me, please tell me those weren't sugar-free gummy bears!" The text that changed my life. By Jen B - February 15, 2015 - Amazon The title to this review is 100% based upon a text sent to a girlfriend the afternoon after hanging out with her cats, reading, and relaxing. I have never regretted anything as deeply and sincerely as I regret eating this fools' candy. Lest you think mine a common tale of woe, let me assure you I ingested these completely by mistake and totally unknowingly. I was housesitting for a friend and looking for some booze when I stumbled upon a large zip-lock baggie of DELICIOUS gummies! When in want of whiskey, most anything will suffice, so I popped a couple back, and bagged up A TON for church the next day. With no ill-effects from the few consumed the evening before, I proceeded in noshing through a goodly portion during the study hour, and used them to bribe my preteen into silence during the service. The silence was short-lived. By the time we got ourselves organized and shorthaired situated at home, it became GROSSly apparent that something was dramatically wrong. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that the going-ons of one's lav should remain private, but I feel comfortable sharing with you. This is based largely on the fact that everyone from Chicago to Louisville already knows what today has brought for me and mine. There are now claw-marks along the outside of my commode from me holding on for dear life, certain that if I let go, the sheer volume of air and liquid being expelled at a rate previously unseen in living creatures would surly propel me into the lower stratosphere. When the well runs dry, and these bouts are infrequent and sorrowfully brief, one is treated to what I can only describe as the feeling in late pregnancy when one's unborn child, much like an alien, does a full calisthenic and gymnastic workout. My belly moves as if the indwelling humors have all collected and determined to break free of my body. The rest of my body, not to be overlooked, has gotten into the game; I'm sweating, shivering, experiencing random crying jags, and sitting here lamenting every past transgression. Should I have wronged you previously, please expect an AA-like call to atone for my behavior as soon as I feel safe picking up a phone (one cannot and need not try to fathom the sounds associated with jet-propulsion evacuation). I've been treated to such a variety of intestinal sounds, I've actually ascribed to them an urgency-to-the-powder-room scale. The high, trumpeting sound is generally just a warning, while the fearsome-as-a-mama-bear-protecting-her-brood growl is an all-hands-on-deck, drop-everything-and-sprint emergency. I'm sure my son has fared no better, but I've not been free to mingle among polite company for the last seven hours, and whilst typing this from my porcelain prison, I feel no hope of rejoining society any time in the near future. My daughter might still be wandering around here, but she may have fled, starvation from missing lunch and dinner, forcing her to beg on the street for whatever scraps the neighbors can afford with which to be parted. Note, however, that all is not lost!! This delicious, though deadly, treat achieves in 12 hours what many "cleanse" diets seek to do in a week. You know that feeling right after leaving the dentist? Well, this is like that, but for your insides. I'm certain my bowels have not done this much heavy lifting, rapid decompression ever, and there must be some caloric benefit to that. Times when one should indulge in sugar-free gummies: -The night before a colonoscopy as a pregame to the main event -When your wife is pregnant, and you want to understand the physical sensation of having your body do things wholly beyond your control and consent -To win a bet/play a fantastic prank -To get a pass on ANY social or familial obligation; they won't be able to deny your infirmity -- promise Anything beyond the ascribed situations above is abuse of a controlled substance, and the proper authorities should be notified immediately. If you've dependent children, you should NEVER eat these without a backup-parent plan. Child Protection may very well have my four year-old, but I won't know until I can scrape myself together and leave the safety of the en suite.