Cheese, here is what I have to say. If I hurt your feelings, I apologize for the bluntness of the words, but not the meaning. Plot. That is your huge problem. It confuses the reader. A little mystique is good, but your story jumps around all over the place. You don't explain things enough. Don't tell us everything, but still don't leave us stumbling around moronically in the dark. I did like amount of description in some of your chapters, but the style was poor. You need to show rather than tell. "Corinthian had a large black cape and sparkly red boots" is worse then "The dark cape swirled around his shoulders as he glared icily down at Benny and his red boots glinted in the dying light of day," Sowwy :3
I see what you mean... The plot holes are meant to be there. The whole point is to be confusing. The main setting is in KaW, but the Cerberus Facility is (CLASSIFIED). As for the descriptive stuff.... Yeah, I admit I'm weak in those areas, but I do have a statement I go by. "Noone is good or bad, because there is no good or bad. Every person's style is unique and different, therefore rendering judgement useless" Cheesemuffin, January 5, 2011 Yes, that quote is so important to me I MEMORIZED THE DAY I SAID IT.
NEW CHAPTAR BLAAAAAARGH also, I will begin making my own Hidden Blade soon, so I'll be hammering away at metal for a bit... Expect the sequel to be a little delayed
As u can see, I read and reply constantly. I'd have to say that the story started out strong, but then the main idea slowly got weaker. It's still really good, but u should really add something that nobody would ever expect. Something to turn the whole story around...
"Those who believe that art is completely unique and answers to no rules are foolish. In any art form, you must be able to take criticism as a learning experience and use it to better your skill" Although the plot holes are meant to be there, they're not holes, they're cliffs on which the readers drive off. The style is poor and bumpy and it still does not run smoothly. It's not a story, it's fragments of paragraphs pieced together in an attempt to tell a tale which has no definite story. Give us more meat to chew. You can't make a meal out of bones.
Well, one problem is you have many different scenes happening at once. Trying to piece everything so far together makes it somewhat easier to figure out the plot.