I feel the phrase "the beast" would have more of an impact if it were implanted more through it, or held just at the very last line. I also think beast holds a cliche preset, which could be good or bad, depending on your personal view on it. Other words could replace, without having the same word used. Monster. Beast. Creature. Demon. Etc. But I really like the short cut lines. It really brings attention to each and every word, because it makes you read it slower and actually absorb the context.
One of my personal favorite poems by one of my personal favorite authors. Give me O Night, a blessing Of peace, and a handful of stars- Give me O Dawn, a beginning, New life, and a healing of scars; Give me O Day, a freshening Of spirit, and warmth in the sun- Give me, O Earth, of thy bounty, Strength for the task I’ve begun. Leave me, O Night, of your stillness A calm for my inward soul- Leave me a breath of your darkness To cool me, and keep me whole; Leave me the wind in the willows The roll of the surf and the sea- Leave me, Beloved, my memories Of dreams you have given to me -Louis L'Amour
I recently found something by Oscar Wilde, from the Ballard of Reading Gaol Yet each man kills the thing he loves By each let this be heard Some do it by a bitter look Some with a flattering word The coward does it with a kiss The brave man with a sword I like it because I really love the pattern and flow in the rhythm. Also, it has an open them. It could be about love. Friendship. Family. Etc. I read it as love. In love, if they change your mind about their feelings for you, cowards with still lead you on. Kiss you, compliment you, tell you they love you. Because they are too afraid to be honest. The brave ones, the ones that would be worth anything, will tell you the second it happens. Cut it off. No wasted time. Quicker to move on and no messy drama. The only thing I don't like about it really, is it seems not quite finished. While I love the ending, the rhythm just kinda stops. There's no real closure. I'm sure in the Ballard, it's fine. I actually seen it on a poem/quote app, and had to mention it here. Agree? Disagree? Thoughts?
The Slave You're an addict, you know it, But you don't want to quit. So long you've had, and owned it, But you still relish it. It's a problem, and face it, You are one too. When you're drunk as hell, and knee deep in booze. You've tried, God knows, How many times. To kick it, stop it, But in the end you're fine. With staying a slave, to the drink all the time. Till one day you lost her, because of your thrill. You threw out the liquor, did away with the pills. You sat in your bedroom, tears were spilled. Your vision was clearing, your thoughts were stilled. And you understood then, what she had felt. So you avoided the stuff, and stayed away. With each step you got stronger, each and every day. And you still sometimes miss her, in every way. But at least you are, no longer a slave. - Me
I really like the the end rhyme and repeated beginnings. And I really like the pattern of days. In addition, I really like the night, dawn, day, earth, night, beloved pattern. It takes you around in a splendid way and I think it really works.
Another Louis L'Amour one. This one is just eerie, sends goosebumps down your spine especially at the final part where the first is repeated. I have three friends, three faithful friends, more faithful could not be- and every night, by the dim firelight, they come to sit with me. the first of these is tall and thin with hollow cheeks, and a toothless grin, a ghastly tare, and scraggly hair, and an ugly lump for a chin. the second of these is short and fat with beady eyes, like a starving rat- he was soaked in sin to his oily skin, and verminous, at that the crouching one is of ape-like plan, formed like a beast that resembled man: a freakish thing, with arms a-swing, and he was the third of that gruesome clan. the first I stabbed with a Chinese knife, and left on the white beach sand, with his ghastly stare, and blood-soaked hair, and an out-flung, claw-like hand; the fat one stole a crumbling crust, that he wolfed in his swinish way- so i left him there, with eyes a-glare, and his head cut of half-way. we fought to kill, the brute and i, that the one that lived might eat, so i killed him too, and made a stew, and dined on human meat. and so these three come to visit me, when without the night winds howl- the one with the leer, the one with a sneer, and and one with a brutish scowl; their lips are dumb, but the three dead come and cough by the hollow great- the man that i stabbed, the man that i cut, and the gruesome thing that i ate. their lips are sealed, with blood congealed, but they will not let me be, and so they haunt, grim, ghastly, and gaunt, till death shall set me free. i have three friends, three faithful friends, more faithful could not be- and every night, by the dim firelight, they come to sit with me. Louis L'Amour
I really liked the constant rhyme. It doesn't sound forced and that's not easy. I liked your line formation in the beginning, but toward the end, it seems to get more prose. The rhyming continued, which was great, and I'm not sure if intended, but because there were no line breaks, the words seems to read as rushed or frenzied. I did enjoy it. I felt the rush added to the feel of the poem. Good job.
Last poems, because I have to put zombies everywhere. This one definitely has a creepy feel to it, especially after the end. It is rather short, and a limerick of sorts. Rhyme. Each night Father fills me with dread When he sits on the foot of my bed; I'd not mind that he speaks In gibbers and squeaks, But for the seventeen years he's been dead. -- Edward Gorey There were three friends that buried the fourth, The mould in his mouth and the dust in his eyes, And they .went south and east and north-- The strong man fights but the sick man dies. There were three friends that spoke of the dead-- The strong man fights but the sick man dies-- "And would he were here with us now," they said, "The Sun in our face and the wind in our eyes." - Rudyard Kipling
I learned poetry overnight. If you contradict that your in for a fight. Rhyme scheme a, a, a, a just feels right. The jeans I am wearing are way to tight.
Poetry is easy can't you see? I'm writing this poem one handed while taking a pee. My poetry isn't meant to impress you. Just passing time while taking a poo. Birdie birdie in the sky Dropping white wash in my eye Should I laugh or should I cry? Gee I'm glad that cows don't fly. I plagiarized that funny rhyme not giving the writer one steel dime I've got rum and I've got wine but what mother hugger stole my lime? Now that my bladder and colon are clear The end of this poem is imminently near... My last line for all to hear. Hillary Rodham two thousand sixteen and BEER!
Five times I was called ugly It was the second grade and I didn't fully understand what that meant I was treated differently The kids pulled my hair The kids pushed their desks away from mine as if my ugly was a disease I was certain I could cure it Four times I got on my knees and begged my mom for plastic surgery to fixThe imaginary ugly on my face To cut off pieces of myself that had done nothing wrong To cleanse my myself of the sin of being ugly I was certain a scalpel could be my first best friend The kids pulled themselves into circles The kids pushed me out Three times My heart was broken he was the first one to ever call me pretty But he never said he loved me ,I never asked I placed my self worth into little bottles of concealer and skin tight dresses Anything to be called pretty He found a taller prettier girl The clock struck twelve and I was ugly again My Prince Charming found his Cinderella There were two more like him One left me uglier than before And the other left me bloody on the floor Two times I wanted to die Once I told myself I was beautiful I was worth it I'm more than my appearance I learned to love myself