"Maximum Voltage" FEEDBACK

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *Ipitydahooka (01), Jul 15, 2010.

  1. You've got me waiting in anticipation to know what's gonna happen next!! Are the 22 missing ppl the ones in the cage?? Hurry & write more!!
  2. Looking good dc! Very captivating intro...I'd go see the movie! 
  3. Nice intro got me hooked 
  4. New post on the story
  5. Went back to re-read & have some comments. 7/14 entry: suggest adding "school" to read "There, standing in middle of our school parking lot, was Captain Indestructible." "knee" s/b plural. Combine 2 sentances "...noticed what I saw; half a dozen cars..." Who did not fail to notice the tv reporters?-make clear. S/b "...how much of a joke he was." S/b "...discussing how amazing Captain Indestructible was..." Add , " ...stared at me, and then just..." Can you double-space btwn paragraphs? If so, that would help in following story line. If not, suggest at least 5 spaces btwn sentenences.
  6. 7/18 entry: "Could thing it's Saturday," "Could" s/b "Good"? Suggest adding "!" to ''"Perfect!" I said to myself.' Move "quickly" to read "...causing it to shoot quickly to the ground." Add comma to read "When I got to the ground, I quickly..." & "When I got there, I noticed..." & "...to shout, but no..." Consider rewriting, "I quickly jumped back behind the car I was hiding behind and watched." to "I quickly hid back behind a car and watched." Considering to combine sentences to read, "He was a tall man, probably around 6'5", very skinny, and seemed to be carrying a cane." Remove "but" from "...the torso and but puffed out..." Consider rewording to, "He was very pale with well-groomed black hair." "He" s/b l/c in "he exclaimed." Add comma to "After he left, I took..." "shoulder" s/b plural. Consider rewriting, "...trying to figure out how I was going to get them out." to "...trying to figure out how I was going to do it." Add "color" to "...beautiful hazel color and..."
  7. 7/20 entry: add comma to "After several minutes of exploring the cage, I..." Instead of "...scared little kid." consider "...scared child." Add comma to "...over to her, but decided..." & "When I finally woke back up, it was..." Move "tauntingly" before "asked" ("He" s/b l/c). Also, l/c "He" in "he asked me as..." Add comma to "As he blew into his cane, I felt..."
  8. 7/28 entry: use exclamation point, "It was driving me crazy!" Make "ideas" singular "...an idea crossed my mind." Consider rewriting, "When 3 pm finally came around, I..." to "Then next day at 3 pm, I..." There's no such word as "captation." Consider rewording, "I heard everyone's yelps of pain..." to "I heard everyone yelp in pain..." Misspelling "te" to "the". "He" s/b l/c "he yelled at me." Replace "was" to "were" to read, "...sworn were solidly connected." "He" s/b l/c "he asked." "He" s/b l/c "...he shrieked at me."
  9. Con't 7/28: comma needed btwn "lips" & "I", add "a" [...landing a small volt...]. Comma btwn "ground" & "he". Consider "cane/flute" to "fluted-cane". s/b l/c "He" in "...he yelled." Consider, "You could use some batting practice[, he cackled. (or some other verb)]. Needs more descriptive, "...landed in a pile [pile of what?] a few..." "He slowly leaned [consider another verb] up..." "My foot landed in [on] the middle..." "I turned and ran over [in]to [in
  10. Sorry, last sentence should read, "I turned and ran over (remove) [in]to the cage, sliding onto the floor of it (remove "of it"), [comma added] just as..." Comma needs to be inside quote "saw". Omit second "that" in "And that was the day that the electrically..."