Alright, I know what the problem is, and it hit me in this paragraph. First sentance, you use the words contemplated and complimentary. Both different words, but they sound similar. That's the problem. It gives the reader the illusion that your writing is repetitive, even though it's not. I don't know about other readers, but for me, repeated words is a bit of a pet peeve. The other thing that caught my attention was this sentance: It was funny, one of my friends, Outdoortoast, had made the analogy that the Developers were Santa, although I call him Sanga, Spragga's cousin, because of their red halo and red skin, and the mods were like Spranta's evil elves. I would put this part, "although I call him Sanga, Spragga's cousin, because of their red halo and red skin," in parenthiseis or a different sentence or something like that, because it's a huge diversion from the main point of the sentance and it distracts the reader. I remember having to re-read that sentance a few times. I think that's it. Sorry this is so late. I was skimming the thread last night trying to find the problem when it was only two paragraphs in. Hope this helps!
SPOILER ALERT! I walked alongside iZaln for a while, my eyes never leaving the ground. As the grass began turning to gravel, and the shadow of the Mountain fell across us, I looked up. We were in the the Graveyard. Tombstones lined the area, and grey clouds filled the sky. Dreary light bore down on us, and our mood turned depressing. I didn't even notice when we entered Off Topic, but I when I found the stairs to head up the Mountain, I could hear the sound of Off Topic. The Forums was a never ending building project. When a Player strikes a conversation in the Forums, by some kind of magic we do not yet understand, a building is instantaneously constructed. When another Player joins the conversation, the qualitative properties of the structure are altered a little bit. If the conversation is derailed by lets say a Troll, the building is altered drastically. The only way to get the structure to look right again is either by editing, deleting, or the removal of the Player derailing the conversation through separation or building split. The size of the building is determined by the number of players contributing to the conversation. The reason why the KaWmunity uses the terminology Thread and Post is because of the way the Developers log it. Every comment you make within the building is logged as a Post and the only way to start a new building or Thread is to derail the initial conversation so much that part of the first building is magically separated from the rest of it. The originally state of the mother or father building is returned, and everything becomes fairly normal again, if you don't include the new building. As we continued our steady climb to Fan Fiction, I turned and looked upon the dump that was Off Topic, a particular building catching my eye. Moose was chipping off part of the structure, deleting an off topic Post on it. Like magic, bricks began filling in the hole he'd created. Every so often a part of the structure would split from the building, and a new Thread would begin. It's a very complex thing to try and comprehend, and it took me a while to understand.
MUHAHAHA. I will smite you all!!! Okay. I read both versions, traversed through fan fiction until I found the proper feedback thread. Excellent writing by both of you. Feather's is full of detail and schtuff. Cheese's is faster paced. I thoroughly enjoyed both. Am I allowed to be here or am I going to get slaughtered? I fear my greenness is a detriment in fan fiction land. -looks around for assassins-
Colonial is one of FFs Most Famous. He's not on much, but he's here. So you're not alone . Prepared to be called emo by haters though lol.
We love mods in Fan Fiction. Except Moose. He moves stupid RPs to Fan Fiction. -.- I hope you don't go inactive.
Mods are FanFic's best friend! Except Moose :I Anyway, once I get those non-OP posts deleted, I'll upload another chapter.
What the hell why am i an ugly troll, i should be some cool black market dealer who runs forums. Lmao, good story tho!