@Feather For the newest chapter,(is it chapt. 3?) You have to be careful when you change the scene/setting. I felt that there wasn't a transition between each new "phase". I think the character introductions where very rushed, new characters just popped out of no where with little explanation. Also, this might just be me, but in the beginning where you go from the newb going up to Moose to feather and winters talking, I got confused on what was going on.
Stora, I was hoping readers would think when they read this: the ground tilted forward, and I heard the sound of a sword being put back in it's sheath (or something like that) —that Featherus Hunterio had been stabbed or sliced. In reality, as you found out in part three of Chapter One, that it was only one of the Finished sheathing his sword as he rose from the Portal. Are you referring to Chongo Hombre, Ahdragos, the Oracle, the Alchemist, and Benny? At the moment they are merely extras; resources; stepping stones. The only ones I have need of at the moment is the Oracle and Ahdragos. PS: Is anyone still intrigued by Golden Thumb?
Oh, and Moose didn't remove himself from the equation, so they had no choice but to eavesdrop on the newbs and Moose's conversation. The setting changed rapidly because the location of the Apheriun of Exile moves rapidly. WHAT SOUNDTRACK?
I have no flipping idea what's going on in your version... It's way too rushed, and suddenly, ten new characters appear? :{
All I understand in yours is that newbs are getting thrown around by Moose, and that you're a newb. You chopped off his antler or something. The last part of it confused me. It said death. Then suddenly, you're alive and underground upside-down. I'm so confused. What's confusing about mine?
Yours is too rushed. Like, waaaaay too rushed. I said that Moose tried to kill Cheese, but the shock made him feel no pain, and he was buried alive in another rebel tunnel, like the one earlier.
No. You actually didn't lol. You said let this death blah blah blah. Then you're upside-down underground.
No scene transition. The ground flipped and a sword was sheathed. Wait... Wut. Oh well. I'm not saying it's bad. You just can't please everyone. I'll try to adjust it.
Feather, you should write that then. And what I said is almost exactly what cheese is saying... You have to introduce your characters better and put in better "fillers" or transition text/parts between scene changes. The ones you have written aren't enough, they're too brief. Does that make more sense?