I really want to thank you for your feedback. I hope you would not stop commenting on this story. I desperately need constructive criticism to improve. Thanks.
The **** was predictable. The pauses are annoying. You aren't getting the emotional effect needed for this kind of story, there are several points that you can tell are meant to be emotional triggers however you aren't getting the leverage on the reader's emotion that is needed. Other than that, meh.