(George W. is meeting with Condoleezza Rice) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yasser is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yasser? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the secretary-general of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N.? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? #joke
So, a stupid mother, being the stupid woman she is, decided to name her house "Butt" and her son "Crack". One day, the woman happened to wake up to a fire in her home. She called 911, and they were very fast responders After talking with the emergency line, she frantically searches for her son, with no luck. She's lost him! While talking to the firefighters, he says: "I looked all over my Butt, but I could find my Crack!" #joke
So a grasshopper walks into a bar And the bartender says "We have a drink named after you" And the bartender says "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED STEVE???!?!"
#2nd So a grasshopper walks into the bar... Gets drunk... And then starts making cricket noises while beating his wife Funny, right?
Two dyslexics sitting in a car at the petrol station one turns to the other and asks can you smell petrol? The other replys don't be an arse I can't even spell my name.#joke
What's the difference between a tuna, guitar, and a bottle of glue? You can tuna guitar. What about the glue? I knew you'd get stuck there. What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds. Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and tomato? The lettuce was ahead and the tomato was trying to ketchup. What do you call a fat physics? A four chin teller #joke
My job is so ******* unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ******* stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big ******* dog to work. Every ******* day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single ******* day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****. #joke
So Mrs Smith has been around the block a few times and has decided to have rejuvenation surgery down there. But she tells her surgeon that she's a bit embarrassed about the whole ordeal, and want to make absolutely sure that no one will know about what she's having done. Her surgeon assures her that everything will be fine. So she has the procedure done. She's waking up from anesthesia, and notices that there are 3 vases full of flowers beside her bed. She's furious. She gets the surgeon on the phone and chews him up one side and down the other. After a bit, she calms down and demands an explanation. The surgeon says, "The first one is from me. I knew you were going through this all alone, and I wanted you to know that people were thinking about you." "Okay." says Mrs. Smith. "The second is from my nurse," says the surgeon. "She had this done 6 months ago, and thought it would be nice for you to have flowers afterward." "Oh. I suppose it is," says Mrs. Smith. The surgeon goes on. "The third one is from Mr. Jones who is up on the burn unit. He wanted to say thank you for his new ears." #joke