I had to slightly skim so I didn't use too long on a fan fic in a game because of this I didn't get any grammar mistakes. I usually prefer books from a first person perspective especially in this type of book. That been said the style is amazing and the emotion portrayed is fantastic. I think you dealt with emotions in a brilliant way. Criticism I feel this book falls back on its descriptions of places, occasionally making the book confusing as well as making it harder to picture.
Haven't read it probably horrible not going to read it :l See I like you so imma end this **** with a **** you but have a nice day
The overall style and mood of the story really isn't my favorite - from what I read it just sounds like angst and sad things - a theme I'm finding to be disgustingly common. I read the first couple posts, so I'm probably missing some stuff, but I can say this: It's well written - I can definitely feel the emotion in it. I don't relate to it, at all, but I can easily get what's being conveyed. Story wise, like I said, I didn't even read half of it, but it seems like it has potential to go somewhere. Before you go yelling at me to read the entire thing, I won't. However I can see it's good, and I recommend you continue with it.
Thank you to everyone who commented I have made a note of your recommendations. Update up but I hate it. Please comment! It really motivates me to write up more. Thanks
cheese, i think that may be the most awkwardly beautiful compliment you've ever given. lol and iris, very well done! i personally didn't notice any mistakes, be that because you fixed them all or my mind just fixed them all in my brain, i don't know. only a few chapters in and i'm hooked, with what happened to emmerman(i know that's not his name) and what Iris's power will be. and how are they keeping superpower people locked up? the security doesn't seem that great, and it must be hard to contain a dude who lights himself on fire. and there could be flying people, people who can walk through walls, teleporters, and all that jazz. so yea, very intriguing. i am curious though, you said some people in this compound had yellow eyes, some purple, one blue, so on so forth. i'm really curious which eye colours are considered 'normal' in this story, and which are the kind that get you locked up.
You're definitely heading in the right direction. Your continuation was well written. Your story line for the characters have much potential. I think if you keep heading in the way you are planning your story will turn out to be really wonderful.
i'm a bit confused, when clover goes back in time is she actually in her past body, or in a ghost version of herself watching past events?
Updated. Please let me know if you are still reading this and if you would like to receive updates, and any comments you may have. Thank you
I'm still reading it! It's admittedly a bit confusing the way the viewpoint of the reader jumps around, and the paragraphs seem a little too long. Also, i feel like too many things that happened in the past are being referenced with too little detail for them to make sense.
It's genuinely very good. I agree with Wizard, the jumping around of perspective and strange paragraphing were a bit annoying but I did understand it and the writing itself is very nice. Please keep writing!
Sigh, okay, what is there to say about this? Firstly before I nitpick what was wrong or could be changed, my opinion… It's all rather teenage angst and clichéd dystopian moodiness. The story gives a vibe of rebellious teenager but if that's what you're going for, please: a. Keep it that way, the character of Iris changes from, 'Teenage philosopher' to 'Moody teenager' to 'Annoying character filled with false hope'; it is rather irritating seeing this rather rapid changes in the space of the two posts. b. At least make the character cool. I feel that she tries to be a strong female lead but the only imagery I have of her in my head is a weedy girl out of her depth. Like, she falls over after carrying a box a couple of metres. Have you ever seen Mulan or Frozen? Admittedly my two favourite Disney movies, but both have a strong female lead that you go, 'Yeah! They're hella sweet'. Your character just made me what to give them a warm hug and a mug of hot chocolate. I think it could go somewhere (as long as you don't have horrifying cliché powers) if they can get somewhere. I feel if they spend all there time trapped in a prison, it will get rather boring. And talking of boring, I've noticed a trend of repetition; you keep coming back to these almost comfort zones of just talking about Celeste, how much angst she has because she's so independent and her father sucks, and talking about these 'estates' (which if they're anything like the council estates in England, she should steer clear) Now for the in depth complaints… There are some MAJOR consistency errors. I did read the first one (although I cannot seem to remember some key plot points (especially the favour asked… :/)) and that seemed to be based modern day if not set back a generation. So how has this ended up being like a poor dystopian science fiction novel based in the far future in a mere 2 generations? Unless you're implying time travel (possible given the general theme I have gathered (please don't say that was a key plot point)), I cannot wrap my head around this leap, even if I am the only person get this given my prior knowledge. Another consistency point, why in your latest chapter, does Clover talk about Iris boyfriend? Given she doesn't know about him and definitely didn't in the context of multiple years in the past that she was monologuing. Just a note about consistency… Point two! Huzzah Details. Most people with more in depth feedback mention this. It remains rather vague, I get some of it is so that they remain in the unknown like the governmental situation but you have all these one or two sentence details that then get ignored. Like, just a car, boom, kidnapped. What is the car like? Is it big? Is it small? Is it a van or a Smart car? What colour is it? Are there tinted windows? I want to picture these details so I can immerse myself. As another example, you mention the compound being on a mountain, which does clear up the consistency problem with the clouds, but how do they know? How does it link together? On the other end of the spectrum, somethings get far too much which links into my next point. Repetition Many people also mention this but I need not hear about somebody's eye colour this much. Nor do I want this to become another story about Celeste, if you wanted to write that, you should have written that. There is constant and eternal mention of Celeste, eye colour and these estates everybody wants to go to; it gets so boring and tired so very quickly. As another note, pronouns are a thing that exist; use them please. The amount of times you see Clover back to back, you can have a few but add some balance because what you seem to do is have a streak of only saying the name and then a streak of only using a pronoun; however these are FAR shorter. Intersperse pronouns, just so I don't have to read the same person's name over and over. But overall, in spite of what I've said. It was a good read for the amount of time I spent reading it. However I just feel that there are already so things that already provided into the moody teenage, dystopian SciFi genre and if that's what I wanted to read, I would have enjoyed it more but because there are so many like that, I don't particularly want to.