Guide to Writing THE PERFECT Retirement Thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Nate, May 20, 2020.

  1. Hello hello hello.

    This is a guide to help all you 13 forum users learn how to create the PERFECT retirement thread.

    What are my credentials you might ask?

    WELL I am Snoopy, the king of retirement threads. In my long KaWreer, i have posted an amazing 7.5 retirement threads. (note: i say .5 because my brother faked my death in a thread once and i didn’t wanna come back).

    Now, some of you might recognize Snoopy as the ex-Doctor who helped you with the problems of life. Or maybe you recognize him as the Prince of Forum Trivia. Some may recognize me as the 4th hottest man on the planet. Some might recognize me for my ability to draw out a thread as long as possible for comedic effect, even if it’s not funny.

    Whatever the case may be, I am the self proclaimed legend of retirement threads and I WANT to help you.

    So... let’s begin.

    Should I put something really large or in bold here? I feel like I should.. hmm. Hey siri, bold this. Bold it. Make it bold.

    Okay so step 1.)

    The first step to a legendary retirement thread is to begin by “reminiscing” on the good times. I like to use the times I was pretending to be active in OSW, but secretly just playing on an unnamed alt on my PC (rip PC).

    It helps to begin the thread with:

    Ah.. KaW. I loved it and hated it... here’s my story. I am a great legend because I believe I am.

    ^Simple right? I think so.

    Step 2.)

    This is a key part. To legitimize your legend status, you NEED to put a thank you list to some of the biggest names in KaW and pretend you had a close relationship. What I liked to do was follow these players, have one conversation, and say they were my closest friend. Easy.

    Step 3.)

    So this is where my alt would come in handy. To say that I was awesome, I would plant countless alts in the thread saying how much they’d miss me and peer pressure everyone into saying the same. I liked to use terms like, “goodbye you sexy beast” or “ily big papi”

    Step 3 is extremely simple and not hard to follow, i’m also getting bored so i’m going to hurry this along.

    Step 4.)

    Return within 2 weeks and say that you made a mistake and you missed everyone. Make a dramatic re-entry into the game by posting something stupid in forums, like so.

    Thanks for listening! Enjoy!
  2. Two weeks may be too short of a time. I would say to wait at least two months, and just still play on your (legal?) alt secretly in the meantime. You need to really sell the retirement, so when you come back it sounds authentic. Otherwise, you quickly get identified as the “boy who cried wolf.”

    Also, this should probably be moved to the Guides section, and just add a step that people’s Retirement threads should definitely be created in Off Topic to avoid a loss of face. Retirements should be dignified, after all.
    AVentura123, Wolf and Thrawn like this.
  3. Oh yes, I agree. I think that people need to understand that retirements in Off Topic = not serious. which means you can’t be held accountable when you come back!
    Thrawn likes this.
  4. I almost feel personally attacked by step 2, but you've never thanked me so >.>
  5. I feel as though this is incorrect. However, this is THE Snoopy/StarFox/Nate guarantee. You WILL be on the top of the list my next retirement thread, coming most likely this month!
    Thrawn likes this.
  6. Whoa. You haven’t been back long enough to retire. If you do go, just suddenly and mysteriously disappear, make people wonder if you’re gone, then appear as if nothing ever happened a few weeks / month later. If people ask, just say it was a magic trick.
    Thrawn likes this.
  7. is this the famous Corinthian approach? i think YOU should write a guide about mysteriously disappearing... hmm
  8. No guide necessary. Step one is to leave when life takes you away. For the rest, I will quote a post I made last week, which should prove guide enough:

    “ I think you don’t need to make a commitment out of things. Appear! Disappear! Appear again! Poof!

    Be the magician you want to be. If you join a different random clan each time and here and there (maybe make a lasting friend or a boredom buddy), then you win. Even if you’re filling the empty space with a fishing-like zen, you win.

    What is losing like again?”
    AVentura123 and Thrawn like this.
  9. A magician... I never.. I never thought of that.

    Let me go yell at my mom to help me change my major to Magicianry? Magicry? Magicarnary? Magicianism? Magic, yeah yeah. Magic that’s it.
    AVentura123 and Thrawn like this.