Did you mis-read what I wrote? I compared it to shakespeare because of it's repetitious-ness and drawing out edit:and because of that the style is dated and no modern day writers use it, as well as it being cringeworthy.
There's a reason why no one writes that stuff OP. Read a good modern book and not compulsory year 8 english class for inspiration :lol:
It's basically my writing style. The essays in which I write are always written in a way such that I am given a wider variety of words in which to choose from, which in effect will decrease the amount of repetitions of words.
The punctuation was awful. My thoughts were reminiscent of my year nine teacher shouting at us because we were idiots, still an idiot, that couldn't fathom the subtlety of the English language. You used two different tenses in the same sentence, which is, well, stupid. The over use of the same 3 adjectives and their synonyms added to the backdated monologue of a very 1D character. But other than that, it was bad, keep writing.
I thank you all for your inputs ^~^ I do understand the lack of paragraphs, I had it separated and it looked much better than it does now, though I have no clue on why it deleted these spaces once I posted it. I also acknowledge the fact that not many modern day writers use Shakespeare style writing, this is a big reason on why I used it, as well as the setting being around that era. While writing this I did have problems with my word choice, seeing my use of it dulled the original goal affect, same with the punctuation. I was not sure on how to write a letter and show a pause in his rant, if I may ask, how would you show that one is at a loss for words in a first person view without going in and out of that actual letter. That is without my character actually speaking and having a descriptive pause within the sentence.
Would you rather someone just asking it blatantly? I did this So that you could send a his desperation and how much it actually mattered to him that she come to his aid. With just saying, "Oi, come help me." doesn't really get that across. Edit: I am not trying to be rude, I really do want to know. This style of writing intrigues me, the way it takes a second look to understand it's meaning and the way it takes something that I find short and boring, and turns it into something large and vivid. It is not for everybody, but if you know of a style that can do this without making it boring, please tell me of it.
I believe a learning writer is worthy of some respect for seeking progression, so i'll give you some respect for that. Your grammar and spelling could of used work but that's what publishing companies pay editor's to do, so not a real big deal in my opinion... many well known writers were hardly spelling champs, lol. Mainly, I think your audience needs to be focused on foremost and this piece does not feel written with with that in mind... think who?... think why?.... think if a picture is worth a thousand words, what would those words be and how is it best to get them across to the readers?... the setting, structure, characters, descriptions, etc, in this stand alone piece, are lacking although presented as apart of a larger piece afterwards. This is leaving me to ask more questions I'm not involved enough with to want to answer. Also, I suggest you find websites more dedicated to learning writers, still with forums, rather than targeting a varied group such as the kaw forum. I would find one which would provide a more constructive discussion as an audience and not simply a lack of interest in style choice and editing techniques.
Always the best part! And to Ninetails, thank you. I have tried to find some websites like this, but most of them are fan fiction central. Would you have any suggestions of sites like you referenced?
A style that doesn't require you to describe how desperate you are every 2nd sentence edit:It truly feels like you are using the desperation because you've run out of ideas and are using it as un-necessary filler. edit 2:You could have elaborated more on why he's experiencing this turmoil instead of a simple "I KILLED SOMEONE, DON'T FLIP OUT BABE" What caused him to end the person's life? We don't care about the person's target so why should we care about some murderer? Talk about how vivid he remembers it and how its "etched into his mind forever". Your story is a little superficial.
Also remember that the context of this letter is apart of a much larger story, I see what you mean with how it just repeats things un-neededly, but it is also not something that I planned on adding in until farther along in the story. This is so that you had more of a connection with the character and much more detailed knowledge of who he killed, why, and such. I do not defend that this piece of mine needs much more work, but there is far more story behind this that I wanted to show. Edit: I understand what you mean entirely, giving more details onto why and who intead of just focusing on him asking for help. Am I right to say that?
I guess just to see how well the letter was actually writen, and I have gained a bunch of insight from doing so. I wasn't too worried on people understanding what it is about, rather me wanting to see if the setting or mood could be put off as intended. I really do thank you though! What you have told me is more than I would ever get from someone that I have personal connections to.
Criticizing would be 'this sucks' Critiquing is saying 'this is how you can make this better' There's a difference. Learn it.
Replying to your edit... Absolutely, your story relies heavily on emotion. While not trying to establish a connection with the reader. Makes it fall flat.