Chapter 7 After that we all walked along in silence. Where we were going, I had no idea. We just followed her to wherever she might lead us. Then all of a sudden she halted. Then she said to us in a whisper "Look up there, you see that hill". We all looked to where she was pointing. At the top of the hill the air seemed to be shimmering. "Watch this" she said, her voice still a whisper. She picked up a rock and chucked it to the top of the hill. As soon as it reached the top it disappeared. I've watched enough movies to know that that was a fortress with some kind of some kind of cloaking device. Then all of a sudden a voice said "You'll stay away from there if you know whats best for ya". We turned around to see a skinny fellow with black hair, an Kevlar vest, ammunition and weapons all over his body.
He was a little taller than me and smelled the same way I did. " Umm are you a zombie hunter or something because you smell like dead zombie" I cautiously asked, ready to shoot a blast at him if he tried any funny business.
Everything is happening to fast in here, absolutely no description or emotion coming through that would hook the reader. Sorry, but that's plain honesty.... Try reading some of the stories by more experienced people like Storralite (don't know how to spell her name exactly) or cheesemuffin.
"The names Neon, I don't know my real name so I made one up. Yes, I am a zombie hunter and in case you were wondering, which I suppose you are, I do have powers; the guns are for back up when I run out of Psy." "I kind of zoned out, but I heard Psy, what's that?" was the only thing Caleb had to ask. "Jen, you didn't explain it fully to them did you?" "No, but in my defense this one was getting annoying" she said, a little irritated while pointing at me.
Awesome. To add any old plot device, I recommend some very Metagaming-tier macguffin that all it does is the equivalent of opening new worlds and inserting what the writer wants. It must be subtle unless gunning for the "try not to get bored or annoyed reading category" writing which this is far too well-written for. It shouldn't be an inanimate object doing stuff off-screen with it being the only plausible cause, because that is not easy to pull off in an early new and first story.
I think you could do something explained as "power meteors don't stay in one piece all the time and tend to weaken barriers in the laws of reality against spontaneous space-time timeline travel."
"Hey?!?" I said. "You know it's true!" she retorted. "Okay, well Psy is your energy and once you run out of Psy your gonna hav' ta' go martial arts on dem zombies." Neon explained. "Haha!" all three of us laughed for the first time in hours.
"That wasn't very funny!" Jen said "You're right but it was the first funny thing I've heard in hours" I retorted. "Anyways the last thing you want to happen to you is run 'outa PSY in the middle of a battle, m'kay" Neon said "We'll do our best" we all assured. "Let's go" Neon said walking forward. I don't know if he knew what he was doing but he looked as confident as ever.
Chapter 8 "Where are you going?" I asked. "To Lestava" he said "Le-who?!?" "It's pronounced less ta va and it's a country" He said. I did the triple tap check (iPod, charger and wallet lol). I pulled out my my iPod. "Yes, I still have Internet, apparently the router survived that but not our steel safe and it's contents" I said. "How the hell does that work out." Neon said
Holy crap these chapters are short, the dialogue sucks, the description sucks, and the action sucks. Please seriously reconsider continuing .
No setting really. No emotion. And random and things happen too fast. Reveals to much such as where the meteor came from. Isn't interesting. Cannot connect with the characters. Basically a child writing about cool powers. Just a fail story.