@ FangedWolf: I'm not GlooMi. She gave me her iPod when she decided to quit KaW, and she may get the iPod 5 when it comes out . Plus I think she's less descriptive than I am, her stories are more "to the point". also, chirabbit is writing a story called "masks" I believe @ chirabbit thank you for your advice, I'll keep word choice in mind as I write my next chapter . Since I'm writing on my iPod, I don't have a fantastic grammar spell check, so if you could please point out some errors that you see, I can correct them next time I'm on my computer. I'm not exactly great with grammar and such as you may notice lol.
Yep, in fact Gloomi's character is going to be introduced in the upcoming chapter. No problem. That's understandable; iPod spellcheck isn't too great. The only thing I can remember off the top of my head is "a group of the Group." I'll put more time into it later today though.
Oh, a group of The Group was meant to refer to Alexander's group. The one all of Anala's friends left her for.
At first, I thought it sounded a bit cliche but I was proven wrong :] Your story keeps the reader hooked and hungry for more :] Please continue xD
I knew what you meant, this was one of the word choices that I didn't quite like. The only thing I can think of replacing it with is "some members of the Group," though it's up to you. I'll get you the rest of my suggestions tomorrow morning.
"an old friend since childhood" It's redundant to use both "old" and "since childhood" "I made my way to my locker fairly easily, I no longer had..." use either "since" or a ";" instead of the comma. "In the back, I noticed Iyushi Yagami giggling in the back," get rid of one of the "in the back." "and thunder was only a soft rumble in the distance." make it "the thunder" "no more then whimper..." it is "than" instead of "then." "So you made Cameron the bully beat her half to death..." make it either "that bully" or just "Cameron." There are very few obvious mistakes in it, some of those I'm just being picky so you don't have to change them if you like it the way you had it
When Zac says this is how it has to be its for your own good and Anala doesnt pay attention it reminds me of myself