I am not trying to be insulting, just constructive. I think you really need to work on literary style, grammar, punctuation, and general story. Give serious consideration to reading "Elements of Style," by Strunk and White (Available in some form: http://www.bartleby.com/141/) or the Blair Handbook paired with the Blair reader. They are fairly Eng101 but they are so helpful to establishing a base of understanding for story writing and reading. You may also want to jot down, for your own usage, a character map. This will assist in keeping everyone straight in your writing and give you an over-arcing universe in which to build new characters into. As it stands I had trouble keeping everyone straight as you added new characters haphazardly. Focus on the characters you have and build them up a little bit more, add a little more back story to them, to add spine to the story; add more characters as a new view into an established world.