Separate names with a comma.
Better now
Bump I have too much time on my hands so I'll start taking this seriously
Sounds something like a cross between a fact book and a fairy tail? But this story gave me an idea...
Lol*
Ah I see, well then disregard that part of what I said lo
Your newest chapter cheese was pretty good. I can't really find anything to correct lol Just a suggestion, more of a personal preference: Try to...
Tyvm pimella! So one plot line? Could I have an example if u don't mind?
Benny had none and Chongo Hombre could've had a bit more.
Ah...almost forgot... Pardon me... But I have to think up a plot for a short story for my Bussiness class... BTW around how long would a short...
That's good. But even if they're stepping stones I think all characters should be given sufficient introduction.
Chongo Hombre and Benny's appearances don't have enough intro.
Feather, you should write that then. And what I said is almost exactly what cheese is saying... You have to introduce your characters better and...
So bored...I have too much time on my hands...
@Feather For the newest chapter,(is it chapt. 3?) You have to be careful when you change the scene/setting. I felt that there wasn't a transition...
Yup it's a pretty colour :)
@Feather the new chapter was a lot better. Interesting but still has a good flow of events and fair length. Good job!
Purple text?!
I think he meant character....
If you don't show the reader where the story is headed then the reader will get bored. At least I would. If a story is confusing then I'd just...
They're both ok, but I have to say that I found cheese's version a bit more interesting. I think it's because yours had less detail plot wise and...