Sugar free gummy bears review

"If you ever loved me, please tell me those weren't sugar-free gummy bears!" The text that changed my life.

By Jen B - February 15, 2015 - Amazon

The title to this review is 100% based upon a text sent to a girlfriend the afternoon after hanging out with her cats, reading, and relaxing.

I have never regretted anything as deeply and sincerely as I regret eating this fools' candy.

Lest you think mine a common tale of woe, let me assure you I ingested these completely by mistake and totally unknowingly.

I was housesitting for a friend and looking for some booze when I stumbled upon a large zip-lock baggie of DELICIOUS gummies!

When in want of whiskey, most anything will suffice, so I popped a couple back, and bagged up A TON for church the next day.

With no ill-effects from the few consumed the evening before, I proceeded in noshing through a goodly portion during the study hour, and used them to bribe my preteen into silence during the service.

The silence was short-lived.

By the time we got ourselves organized and shorthaired situated at home, it became GROSSly apparent that something was dramatically wrong. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that the going-ons of one's lav should remain private, but I feel comfortable sharing with you. This is based largely on the fact that everyone from Chicago to Louisville already knows what today has brought for me and mine.

There are now claw-marks along the outside of my commode from me holding on for dear life, certain that if I let go, the sheer volume of air and liquid being expelled at a rate previously unseen in living creatures would surly propel me into the lower stratosphere.

When the well runs dry, and these bouts are infrequent and sorrowfully brief, one is treated to what I can only describe as the feeling in late pregnancy when one's unborn child, much like an alien, does a full calisthenic and gymnastic workout. My belly moves as if the indwelling humors have all collected and determined to break free of my body. The rest of my body, not to be overlooked, has gotten into the game; I'm sweating, shivering, experiencing random crying jags, and sitting here lamenting every past transgression. Should I have wronged you previously, please expect an AA-like call to atone for my behavior as soon as I feel safe picking up a phone (one cannot and need not try to fathom the sounds associated with jet-propulsion evacuation).

I've been treated to such a variety of intestinal sounds, I've actually ascribed to them an urgency-to-the-powder-room scale. The high, trumpeting sound is generally just a warning, while the fearsome-as-a-mama-bear-protecting-her-brood growl is an all-hands-on-deck, drop-everything-and-sprint emergency.

I'm sure my son has fared no better, but I've not been free to mingle among polite company for the last seven hours, and whilst typing this from my porcelain prison, I feel no hope of rejoining society any time in the near future. My daughter might still be wandering around here, but she may have fled, starvation from missing lunch and dinner, forcing her to beg on the street for whatever scraps the neighbors can afford with which to be parted.

Note, however, that all is not lost!! This delicious, though deadly, treat achieves in 12 hours what many "cleanse" diets seek to do in a week. You know that feeling right after leaving the dentist? Well, this is like that, but for your insides. I'm certain my bowels have not done this much heavy lifting, rapid decompression ever, and there must be some caloric benefit to that.

Times when one should indulge in sugar-free gummies:

-The night before a colonoscopy as a pregame to the main event

-When your wife is pregnant, and you want to understand the physical sensation of having your body do things wholly beyond your control and consent

-To win a bet/play a fantastic prank

-To get a pass on ANY social or familial obligation; they won't be able to deny your infirmity -- promise

Anything beyond the ascribed situations above is abuse of a controlled substance, and the proper authorities should be notified immediately.

If you've dependent children, you should NEVER eat these without a backup-parent plan.

Child Protection may very well have my four year-old, but I won't know until I can scrape myself together and leave the safety of the en suite.

 

By J.Sargent - February 7, 2014
Amazon Verified Purchase

Unfortunately, I was unaware of these reviews before consuming satan's little death bears. After reading that these little jewels were made in Austria, I imagine a rouge Nazi chemical weapons scientist escaped to austria after the war and set up shop making unsuspecting masses suffer for their defeat.

My experience started like many others, some customer dropped off some bags of these for Christmas, after looking at them for the better part of a month I decided to eat some. The first day I had about 20-25 of them, that night i experienced some slight discomfort and crazy dreams , but I did not associate it with the demon spawn gummy bears. The next day, I had about a handful more of these delicious little devils and all hell broke loose. After several short trips to the bathroom and gas noises like I have never heard coming from my stomach before, I decided to head home, but first stop by the store to pick up some antacids.

Just as I got inside my local grocery store it hit me, I broke out in a cold sweat, my hands were clammy and the pain from my lower intestine was unreal, it felt as if Satan himself was reaching inside of me and spinning my intestines on his finger. I was around ten isles away from the back corner where the public bathroom was located when Satan's little helpers let me know I was not going to make it there. I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees and waddle to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. Those ten isles might as well been ten miles, it was not going to wait, about this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can't use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell " I'm sick, back off".

To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen's to blow, Unfortunately ,I was not able to sit fast enough before spraying the back wall and toilet tank with a putrid black paint. At that exact moment, I did not even care, I was so relieved to have this sewage pouring out of me so violently that I could have levitated off the seat of the toilet if I wasn't holding on to the handicapped bars for dear life, I swear there are probably small dents in the stainless steel bar where my fingers were. After what seemed like an hour, I felt safe enough to stand and start the long clean up process, to my horror, I looked down to notice two mostly empty rolls of toilet paper. Are you freaking kidding me? This is a grocery store with pallets of toilet paper, right? After several minutes of trying to macgyver a solution, my only option was to ask the poor soul who had been knocking on the bathroom door for the last thirty minutes to please get me some paper. In retrospect, I should have asked for a dozen boxes of baby wipes as well.

After doing my best to clean what I could, I made my hasty retreat. I never understood how someone could spray fecal mater on a wall until now, clearly they had some of these delicious spawn from hell. I can never go back in this store as I am sure they all have some grainy picture from their video system taped to all the registers, with my picture on it, as the guy who horribly desecrated their beloved employee bathroom. Thanks Haribo, now I have to shop at the more expensive store down the street, I can never show my face in their again, I am still the guy the new employees get told about to watch for, sorta an Urban legend by now.

Read these reviews with skepticism if you must, but if I had seen them they would have saved my three days of my life. I still have some kidney pain but I am making a full recovery. I would not wish these on my worst enemy. You are warned!