You kinda got to work on using expressive words, longer chapters, good grammar, proper spelling, new descriptions, and you might want to find an editor. Just my opinion. Wolf
There is another suggestion I would make. You shouldn't make the threads for several stories until you are ready to start it. If it's a shorter story, you could even post it on one thread as you finish each one. Also, it doesn't work well if you post comments on your own thread.
I think your story has potential but may I ask: I kinda got lost after the first chapter, the chapters kept jumping around unless it's supposed to? There are many different ways of writing, I used to write using viewpoints. Try to figure out what style suits you. And try to write a little more in each chapter, if u get stuck try storyboarding before you write.
Btw a little tip: if u make a mistake in the story like putting arm insted of leg.(that's what I did) you can link your idevice to the computer and edit your posts. Unless u r on a computer account then u don't need to link
I'll link to the laptop my brother has his itouch I can then he can play it on there too . But as for linking my itouch to my comp no way
You have too much going on at once. It's hard to figure everything else. Be more discriptive, and don't leave out any events. If Character A was playing in the park with Character B in one chapter, then at a resturant with Character C in another, you have to tell how Character A got there, and Why Character B didn't come. This is just an example of course, it won't always work out exactly like that. And critisism is part of Feedback. You should be happy when people give you things to improve on, because it helps a lot with writing your story.