Weight on my Chest

I can't breathe and my chest hurts so I expose my breast from my shirt to see if it's a metaphor or reality but that might expose my own mortality. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but if that's the case why don't I feel strong any longer? It's like the burdens I bear on my shoulders are starting to collapse my chest. I don't feel so special anymore, I'm starting to see myself like the rest. And it really has me wondering if God's just giving me a test or if to begin with I really wasn't the best.

But does it matter if I'm the best, if I'm struggling just to make it? Yet everyone around me seems to need me to fake it. Like I have to be that guy everyone can come to for their ****. But how I can be there for you when I'm ready to call it quits? I'm not saying I don't care, you know I'm your friend. But how do I help you when my own struggles won't ever end. It's like everyone needs someone, but I'm part of someone too and you don't seem to care unless it's all about you.

I don't know what to tell you, to show you I'm okay, I told it to myself first and didn't believe what I had to say.

Cracked that rib.
Feels like a shiv
sliding in my flesh.
The wound is fresh.
Don't know how to cope.
Darkness steals my hope.


I felt that snap of my bone while I'm curled up prone as the pain has grown and now I want to be alone. But who am I kidding? I've always been on my own.
And I'm back wondering if I'm using another metaphor, or if it's the instinctual reaction of a wild dying boar. Yeah, I'm writing about real pain; my rib is damn sore. But am I writing extra into each line, making each mean more? Is my rib really snapped and creating a trail of gore. It has me asking myself what's the real reason I'm lying on the floor. And I bet it has you asking yourself if this is the man you really adore. Because for all the praise I get, this is my real reward. But either way you look at it, I really belong in a ward. You decide: Hospital, or the padded walls and padded door?

It's funny because I didn't mean to write anything I've said. I've just been writing all the words that pop into my head. And it's really kind of confusing because they sound like I want to be dead. Like are these the thoughts inside me while I'm asleep in bed? Am I really this neurotic or is it just the meds? Do the pills help the pain, or just cause all my dread.

No matter how you see the words that I write you can look into my heart, and see that there's no fight. I'm a wounded beast, either emotional or physically. A broken man; dysfunctional infinitely.


But I'll bear all the pain, and get back up. I'll do it myself, because I don't get back-up.
So this isn't me giving up, or wishing to be dead. This isn't me throwing away all of my hard earned cred. I'm still in this life standing tall with the burdens that I bear. And I'll bare the burdens that I bear, without wishing it be fair. We know that life's hard, but I don't really care. I looked the devil in the eyes with his menacing stare. I told him to test me too, that it was a dare. I told him to do his worst, that I'm not really scared. I hoped he made amends to God, and said one last prayer. And told him that to screw with me would be his final err.

Because if the only thing I have is my own credibility, then I'll maintain the ability to be credible in my abilities. And if you can't be credulous of my ability to be credible, then I'll settle for the ability to be incredible. So was it a metaphor or literal writing? I still can't be sure. But in the end it doesn't matter, either way I will endure.

 

Thanks guys. And I haven't tried to get published yet, that's why I don't have a book. About to start pushing towards that.

 

He meant my writing in general for a book. My poetry, not necessarily this one.

Also... Comparing me to eminem? I'll take that. Not the direction I was going with it but a hell of a compliment.

 

When I was writing it, parts of if I was writing with a battle rapper named Charron in my head. I was thinking of his style and flow while writing.