She laid out in the rain. Noises and sirens filled the air and it all felt like a dream. Her body pained everywhere and she couldn't move... Not even a finger. What had she done to deserve this? Nothing... absolutely nothing... A few months before... "Diana! Hurry up and get in the car! You'll be late for your recital!" shouted my mother. "Oh! I'm sorry!" I said and I quickly ran to my room and grabbed my violin case and ran out to the car. It was finally the Spring recital... It was my favorite time to perform. I played the violin and I had for many years now and was in a high level. "You're prepared?" asked my mother. She looked at me and smiled. "Yes. Why would I be?" I asked. She frowned. "Diana it was just a question, don't get snarky with me!" pleaded my mother and I sighed. "I wasn't. That was just a stupid question, that's all." I heard my mother take a deep sigh and she kept on driving. She and I weren't as close as other people. Since my sister passed away we became complete strangers... Of course my father is never around either... He has too much work. "I hope you do well," she said. "Yeah. I will," I said bluntly and I looked out the window. Rain had begun to fall and I frowned. Oh great... rain. "You know Diana..." began my mother and she turned to look at me. "Mother... I don't feel like talking at the moment. Nothing personal but I'm trying to focus so I don't freak out on stage," I said quietly. "But..." "Mom stop! Why do you have to do this now?! I just told you... MOM LOOK OUT!!" That was the last time I saw my mother... That moment... that image was burned in my heart... Why me? Why now? What had she and I done to deserve something as cruel as this?
This is so... dramatic. Too much drama, if you asked me. First of all, the beginning was good with an excerpt from a few months before. Second of all, her sister died. Okay, dramatic. Her dad is never around, heard it before. And now her mom dies too? What is this, a rated G version of Paranormal Activities?? Third of all, be more in depth. Why was her mother focused on Diana instead of the road? Why can't she multitask? Get more into the story before another bad thing happens. Not trying to hate but this is my opinion.
Present... It had only been a month... yet I still didn't feel like myself. Dealing with my friends and the paper all saying it was an accident... Though I knew in my heart that it was my fault. "It's not your fault..." said my best friend Anna. "Diana it was an accident. It happens to other people all the time." "You don't understand Anna... you weren't there..." I whispered. "I didn't have to be there to know that it wad just an accident. I know it wasn't your fault." I stood up and looked away from her. "But it was my fault. I distracted her for one second. One second was all it took for her to be gone. My father won't even talk to me." "He'll get over it." "When my sister died in that skiing accident it's like we've all become strangers. This has furthered the distance between him and I. It'll take a life time for him to come around." "You don't know that... And if you're going to be like this... At least... At least don't give up your music. I've listened to you and I love your way of playing. Watching you I can tell you are in your own little world." "That is true..." "And you've been accepted into that prestigious music school, right? West Gate?" "Yeah." "Are you going?" I sighed. "No. I'm not feeling the mood to go to such a place after the events of this year." "But you have to go!" she shouted and she stood up. "You can't just not go because of what happened." "I don't have to go! It's my decision!" "Get over yourself! Stop with this ********! It wasn't your fault and don't give up your life and music just because of what happened!" I remained quiet. What could I say? "I need to go. I'll see you tomorrow at school. Don't ditch again." I watches her leave and I laid back on the couch. Damn it... I really couldn't get past this...
I like the way all the drama was in the first chapter because not many stories talk about after all the drama but it was a bit full on.
@KatetheGreat Yeah I don't like it. Use my tips and you'll be better because, no offense, where I go to school you'd barely even pass my writing class.
@joejava Okay yeah... so if you don't like the story does that mean others won't? I'm young and I'm not even into writing... I'm a musician. I just thought I'd give writing a shot... why can't you just leave me be and let me write the way I would like to? Excuse me for not being a professional like you.
I'm on Katie's side. I appreciate that the people here want us to be better writers, but do you have to be so mean about it?
Katie- Dont worry about him. He's probably some failure hiding behind some silly username trying to act like he actually knows what he's talking about. He probably insults your writing to make himself feel worthy. You're an awesome writer to Beas young as you are .
@KatetheGreat First of all, I'm a girl... Second of all, I'm probably younger than you and still a better writer than you. I don't like to write. My friends made me take a shot. I'm a dancer, what would I need to write about??? And if you're not a writer, look at GlooMis Guide to Writing in Fan Fic. It'll help you. It helped me. I just don't think it's good to have that many deaths in a story intro and you didn't even give us her background info. Stop hating on me, people. I'm already dealing with my cousin getting shot and dying at a local school shooting so everybody STFU.