This is the feedback thread for my story Vipers Choice please post anything you have to say about it here
Do you mean, "mobilize" and, "content" instead of contempt? It was really choppy too besides errors like that, and I'm not really what the story is... you spend way too much time describing some dude without really being descriptive. Yes J.R.R. Tolkien is a great writer and spends no less than three pages describing a log in the hobbit, but he describes it in a way that puts a detailed image into the reader's mind. I saw igoomy or something say that spending too much time on a description of one character is a bad idea in a short story, and generally I'd have to agree. A good short story is sometimes harder to write than a long one because it has to be succinct, and every word has to be in place. If you'd like to redo the story, put a "hook" right at the start- something to grab the reader's attention. If a reader has to read a 4 paragraph description of a guy, usually he will stop reading after that. The other thing to keep in mind is the reader is not in your mind. The reader doesn't know anything- you have to tell the reader what you are thinking. Maybe there's a conflict with ninjas attacking the leg that is as large as an aircraft carrier or something, but you need to make it clear.
I'd suggest that you find a good editor- it will help a lot to have someone tear into your story. Maybe you'll be hurt at first, but in the end you'll come out with a much better product that you can feel proud of.
The point of this story is a mans tormented mind. A mind that does not make sense. I don't tell the reader everything because I don't know everything I learn along with the reader. This story is meant to be if nothing else a descriptive piece. The description is something that I lack In many of my other stories. This Is not only a writing excercise but an exercise for my mind and the readers. It's about reading between the lines and seeing what isn't their yet. Thanks for the advice I know what gloomi says but that's not how I write. I love her work but the excitement in my mind is rather shallow I find excitement in the slow finding out of things that do not always make sense (and will not until further into the story) this story makes me want to write it and I don't mind if no one reads it. It's not meant to be a success but a building platform for future efforts.
Yes I am predominantly a poet I have been trying to bring the deep motives and thinking used in poetry into writing itself
Sorry- would have got back to you sooner, but I was helping my neighbor carry a couple of things. Anyways, after I read your poems I wanted to kill you! I thought all hope was lost, but I was wrong! I'll use one of your poems that I really liked as an example: To dance along the wings of angels, To feel the se(a) breeze on my face, To see the world through closed eyes, But with a wide open heart. Here you are **extremely** descriptive. You give a setting, a feeling, emotions, actions, and anticipation. To be with you every day, You never leave my side, I'll fight for you yes I will, And I'll never let you go. Here you introduce us to your characters, and, most importantly, you connect us to your poem. Love is a really good thing to use, because you connect your audience to your characters, and feel empathetic. You finish the poem off with a nice conclusion too. Write your short stories the same way! In one sentence you gave more of a description than you did with paragraphs about Viper. Introduce the setting, give characters, and then connect the readers to your characters. Introduce the plot. It can't be a story without a plot. You may not know where it ends, but there has to be some action, some emotion, but something needs to happen.
I forgot- the only thing I've read by gloomy is his writing guide . Most of these stories don't interest me too much... I like fantasy and science fiction, but perhaps I'm spoiled because I've read Ray Bradbury and Isaac Asimov...
Oh ya... If you have a very descriptive writing style, that's fine, but there's a way to do it. Make sure you're painting images in your reader's head, and there still needs to be some action. You can look at J.R.R. Tolkien's writing again... He is descriptive, but does it well!
I have not taken the time to read what has been said here, so someone may have already informed you of this. The description in this piece is not woven in to make the story flow smoothly. It is choppy and a little boring to read. The adjectives are uninteresting and the structure is confusing. I understand that the viper is a tormented man, who's mind is confused, but you leave the reader bored with the whole thing. A lot of description is generally a good thing. However, you must show not tell! Weave it into the story for readers to pick up hints instead of outright telling them. An example: Charles Dickens is extremely boring to me because he can spend half a page describing something and the language he uses isnt sophisticated enough to interest me. On the other hand J.R.R Tolkien can spend two pages describing Bilbo Baggin's house in The Hobbit and it keeps me intrigued because his use of language is extraordinary. Try Showing not telling