Jeffery Thomas walked down the corridor in that 'bow before me' style I hated it the way he walked and talked and lived a life he should never have been given. I watched him for a moment, studying him I was gonna kill him tonight. Nightfall approached and I slipped on my clothes and tresses into the murky black night.his house is a couple blocks away. How am I gonna kill him you ask I'm gonna slice and dice then stab but before that happens I like to play games with my victims. I let them have 3 guesses at who I am if they get it wrong Then they die slow and Painful but guess correctly they get thrown into the underworld, I forgot to tell you I have magic black magic old magics evil magic all the dark arts. I crept into Jeffrey's room treading carefully not to wake him then throw a silencing curse over his mouth and put on and grew my disguise (red eyes and black lips with black hair) wakey wakey jeff.hehe.
You have a lot of run on sentences. Each thought should be one sentence. For example: I hated everything about him. Like the way he walked and talked. I hated it. Also, break up your story into paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read. Finally, this is seems to be going at a very fast pace. Before getting to the real, nitty-gritty story, you should have at least a chapter (at minimum) of exposition. This lets the readers better understand the characters and setting. The best way to improve is to keep writing and reading. Try this: read a book a bit above your level, and write down any words you don't know. Then look the words up and try to incorporate them into your writing. Remember that Fan Fic can be pretty harsh, but take all our comments with a grain of salt because here is usually something to be learned from them.
This is a rather bad story with lots of possibility. (I'm trying to sound sincere op it really sucked) Here is a list of things you could do to improve this story 1) stop the run on sentences 2)use plot 3)use paragraphs not blocks of words 4) stop ripping of lil_tiger make your own crap this is a illy written rip of bro you can do better (Derp)
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