You walked out your car today. You stepped into a building. You looked at it with all your friends- other friends. You were happy. You were stressed. You want out. You’re done here, but not yet. You walk in and think about after. After winter; After senior year; After today; After summer. You smile, you’ll be out. You’ll be far gone from this town. You were here your entire life. You won’t be alone. Someone will be there with you when you are off to college. You are someone who is never alone. You are beautiful and smart; outgoing and sweet. You knock everyone off their feet...and you know it too. *********** Everyday I practice to step up and get courage. Each morning I play the moment through my mind; Just to talk to you. I get the courage and start- but they talk over me. You turn around and talk back. Today I looked for your car. I saw it. I smiled and looked again. You’re here, you are always here. What I do after we hang for a bit? I’ll go home and sit. I won't have anything to do. I’ll think of you. What we could do; what we could be. I’ll try to write, but not know how to. Can I write you a letter? Can I write you a story? But how can I write with this writer's block, stabbing me, each time I try. *********** You tell me that you have to do something. You can’t go there right away today. In my head I question if that means I can come with you or not, but he talks over me. You forget about me. You forget to answer me. You turn to your other friend and you talk. I wonder if you really did want to talk to me. If you really forgot or just stopped. I’m not important. You smile and laugh talking to your other friend. I imagine that as me next to you laughing. You see nothing but the fun you’re having. You don’t see me glancing at you constantly. You think of something that I wish I knew. Were you thinking about what you were going to do the rest of the day too? When you were in class, you didn’t notice me. You did glance though, but you didn’t think I saw- that anyone saw. You shiver in your long sleeve shirt. You complain. It’s cold. You know I have a coat right on the other desk. You glance at it;I glance at you. Why didn’t you ask for it? I wanted you to. *********** I was looking at you throughout class. Wondering if you were going to say something to me. I was wondering if you’d invite me to come with you. You probably thought I didn’t notice you. I thought you didn’t notice me;I still don't think you did. I thought you’d at least say if you’d take me home. Maybe just a ride or tell me you can get me after. You didn’t. Class was over. We left, you left first though. I walked down the road out the school. I am looking for you, I can’t find you. Finally a little down lower, you passed me. I tried to race up past you then, maybe you’d see me. Maybe you’d say you’d give me a ride. Maybe... just maybe you cared. But maybe you did see me. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you didn’t want to see me. Why were you going my way home? Towards where we go, where I asked to go. With you. You hate me. Don’t you? I tried catching up again, but there was no use. I couldn’t make it in time for you. You probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. Who are you? *************************** Saturday. It was my dads party. But I went to my brothers. I was so down. I didn’t care about anything. I went upstairs. I smoked. Not with my brother, with two complete strangers. I didn’t even know them, but I got high off my mind with them. They were just his roommates. They don’t live without pot. I live without it, unless I feel like ****. Only get high when my lows come. Someone fucks with me. Someone makes me want to die. Someone makes me feel like nothing. Someone makes me want to kill...myself. Now. I went home, happier than ever. My dad’s party finally. I wondered if he’d notice that I was high off my mind. But he didn’t. I kind of wondered what would happen, if I were caught. What would they do? Be lenient like my mother? I was with family. I wished I was with you. I don't think I’ll ever be with you. ***************************** My chin rests on a bottle of Snapple. I feel sick. I beasted today. I’m amazing. I’m fly, I’m high. I love cricket. But everyone hates it. So I hate it. I hate it. I need to finish my work. Figurative language. Lazy. Dead. But happy. So what? Am I confusing? No, you’re confusing! Yesterday I was driving- practicing anyways. There was something wrong with you. You needed out of your house. But I was out driving. I got home; I saw, and so I asked, What’s wrong? No I asked, Are you ok? That’s right. You said you were all good. You don't trust me. You just don't. I’m scared to see you. I’m embarrassed. Do I annoy you? Am I embarrassing you? I feel like ****. I am ****. What did I do? Am I just too uncool for you? I don’t think I’m ever going to be fully in your life. 2 minutes. No 1 minute. I’ll see you. I’m off. ...Hi? No, silence. ******************************* You wore your cheetah pencil skirt today. It was tight against you. But you wore it for him, you wanted him to notice you more than all the other girls out there. You don’t realize you deserve better. Even your teacher knows about it and says you deserve more. You could get anyone you want to love you. Someone does love you, but they don’t matter. What matters is that you get the hottest guy at school. The best athlete and the most known. He’s an ass though, but he’s your best friend. He can get anyone he wants. Are you his first choice? Of course not. But you and many others know you should be. You don’t realize how many other people would be glad to be in his shoes. Not for all the other girls. Not for free scholarships. Not for fame. Simply for you. You posts statuses and tweets saying might as well, only a few more months. Might as well keep the relationship going. But in a few months, you could have fun. You could feel love. But that’s not enough for you. You’re selfish. That’s your nickname. ************************ Today I didn’t feel like bothering at all. I did follow you to see if you might ask if I want to come with you. I was walking outside though because you didn’t. Walking home. Wind blew against me. I felt a huge rush. There was a honk behind me. When I turned..there you were. In your car. I don't know if the honk was for me though. Because you didn't look at me. Was it for me? Was it even you? I was a waste of space. The fact that my eyeliner was dripping down my face didn’t help at all. People probably thought I was crazy. I guess I am crazy. I went home and talked to my step. She doesn’t think I’m a freak. I think I’m a loser. I feel like I’m nothing compared to you. I am nothing compared to you. I know you don't think about me. I know you don’t. But doesn’t mean I have to quit with you. I was on a walk with my friend. She knew something was wrong. I said I was alright. I’m not. We swung on the swings. We had a race for who could get higher. We laughed. I felt like the kid I never got the chance to be. I filled with adrenaline. When we got off, because we were half frozen, we talked. I had told her I just wished you and I would talk. She doesn’t understand. You were the one that made it awkward. I tried calling you a *****. But I couldn’t say it without wanting to hurt myself for it. You are the farthest thing from that. But she thinks you are one. She says it’s not my fault. I don't think it entirely is either. You are the one that kissed my cheek that day. I didn’t have to push your hair back I guess. But you didn’t have to kiss my cheek. I loved it. You knew I’d love it. But you didn’t care about my feelings. Only yours. I wish we could just talk again. I wish I could just kiss you fully. Show you you can get more from others. Show you that there are other people that will treat you with respect. I want to show you the world. I want to take you away from him and everyone that hurts you. You don’t deserve a guy that treats you like ****. You don't deserve someone like that at all. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I’m kidding. I love you. I do. ************************* It’s only Tuesday. I’m going to be home alone for the whole night. Unless you come to my rescue. I’m going to try to have the guts to ask you if we can hang out again. Like we started to. Maybe you have just been extremely stressed. Maybe you’ve had no time to be with anyone. I mean when I saw you yesterday, you weren’t with anyone but yourself. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I need to realize, you need your time too. I wish you kissed me on the cheek everyday. I wish we were together everyday. I imagine us laying together. Your hand on mine. Your body on mine. We love and we talk. I tell you I’m going to write a story for you. You tell me you love my stories. I imagine us. Something that never comes true are imaginations. Maybe though, it can be, our imagination. ****************************** You sit in class and don’t notice her. You look as if you’re trying to pretend that you’re not here too. You see her look at you. She’s different, you think. But still you just don't care. You’re going to do you and that doesn’t include making new friends that you’re going to leave. The world is what you make it, and today you decided to make it yours. You’re all that matters anymore, and him. Next period. Worst class. You see her high-five other people, and simply ignore you. It finally ends. You leave by yourself. Nobody comes in your car. ****************************** I started walking. I didn’t know if I was going home or to you. I look for your car, maybe you’ll see me and get me. I contemplate going to you again, but I don’t think you want me there. It’d be weird too, I didn’t ask to go with you. I mean who just shows up with no gear? We wouldn't even be together. We’d be separate. It’d be strange. I decide to go home. Only strange and idiotic thoughts process in my mind. Maybe if I get hit by a car. I could just jump in the road and get hit. Nobody would care. I don't have anybody. Wouldn’t she feel bad if I got hit by a car and could have been with her? I laugh. I don't look. I cross. If only I had gone two more steps. I would have been hit, but I stopped myself before I crossed all the way. A car just randomly came out of nowhere, I didn’t even see it. Is there a reason why I lived? At home I stayed quiet and acted like it was a good day. It wasn’t. I miss you. ***************************** The next day we finally talk. We discuss that it wasn’t awkward. We discuss that against each other. We kiss. We both love it. We. ***************************** I kissed you because I meant it. I kissed you because I liked it. I kissed you because I love you. I don't think you understand. You are difficult. You don’t understand how much it means to me to kiss someone. To kiss someone that doesn’t expect to get any more. To kiss someone because you love them. I couldn’t believe it because when I kissed you I thought it was amazing. It felt like we were in the air, finally something great came into my life. I never want it to leave...you to leave. ***************************** You leave to the next class, more confused than ever. You think she hate you. You think that you did something more horrible than anyone could imagine. You feel as if the world is against you. You don’t believe this was right. You believe everything, everything, you do is completely wrong. You’re ready for this school to end. You’re ready to leave the confusion of high school behind. You don’t want to deal anymore. You’re stressed to the edge. You can’t believe how out of control you’ve become this senior year. You don’t want to give the wrong impression to her, you can’t ever do what you did again. You’d like to though, because you wanted it. When you go through the rest of the day, you wonder what it is about you. You wonder what she can see that he can’t. You feel as if you betrayed him like when he betrayed you. But it isn’t like you haven’t been thinking about her. Its not like you just randomly started being friends with her. You wanted her. You wanted the feeling to be loved, but you constantly tried and tried with him. Someone who was supposed to be your best friend. You walk to your car and question if for once you’ll wait for her. You walk slower than normal. Past the buses and notice her in the corner of your eye. You close them tightly shut. Your heart pounds. Your senses are out of whack. You hear your body even louder. Your brain slams against your skull to the point you can’t bare. You feel yourself gasp for air. You finally open your eyes and you realize you haven’t moved a muscle. You’re still stuck in the middle of the road, unable to move. People stare at you and start walking to you wondering if you’re okay. You don’t know if you are. The buses start honking. Then finally you’re grabbed, and you open your mouth expecting a scream to come out. Nothing does. He moves you. No. She moves you. You, cry. ***************************** I bring you to your car and sit you in the back seat next to me. I don't understand what is going through your mind right now. But everyone starts to leave, they stop surrounding your car. I tell them it’s ok and I can handle it. Even your best friend leaves to go home. I hold you tight against me and wipe the tears from your eyes. Your shaking and it’s scary. I don’t understand. I want to protect you. The thought that I may not have even been there to get you makes me want to vomit. I could never leave you. If I lost you, I have no idea what I’d even do. I finally got you, so I hope. I can’t let you go. So I hold on even tighter. I run my fingers through your hair and you finally stop crying. I smile waiting for you to say something. Instead, you smile. ***************************** She’s been here all along- you think. You stare into her eyes and whisper towards her ear, still maintaining a smile. You ask her to kiss you. She grabs a hold of the back of your head. She pulls you towards her and you wonder how you didn’t embrace her completely until now. She has always been here, and you know that she always will be too. Her wet lips sink in against yours. You place your hands on opposite sides of her face. You brush her cheeks. Your heart bangs a million beats and shatters like glass before melting. You feel relief. You feel freedom. You feel as if you aren’t trapped alone in this horrible town anymore. Like everything you ever cared about was meaningless. She’s all over you. You can feel her pulse rising as you allow her to continue. You open your eyes for one instance and look past her face. Past the car windshield; Past the parking lot. You look at the school, your past life replaced. You wonder if you’ll allow for it to be true. You must decide. You do. You look back at her. You close your eyes. You roll on top of her. You, takeover ***************************** I open my eyes to see a different person. I opened my eyes and finally saw someone happy. Mirrors don’t ever lie. Everyone sees exactly what they see. But eyes can lie, I suppose. They lied to me whenever I came home and cried. Whenever I thought of you and said I could be happy without you. But now I see exactly what was going on. I see ideas flowing through my mind. I see my writers block surpassing the limits. I see you in that mirror. You standing right behind me. You were in my bathroom. You were holding my hips and leaning your head on my shoulder. You were looking straight into that mirror with me. I expected you to look into that mirror and wonder why you were with me. You could be with that handsome boy that everyone wanted to be with. But instead you were with me. I expected this to be a joke. I expected you to laugh and say that I fell for it. Instead you say, You love me.