Please post any feedback here, while I continue to write my story I hope to hear more opinions . Read The Loyal Search here
Pretty good so far, nice length, I like how you desperate into paragraphs. One criticism, one of the only I can think of, is balance out your description. In the paragraph where he's singing Bohemian Raphsody, it's fairly bleak and indescriptive, while in the next when he's describing Majestic, it's beautiful. Maybe balance your description. Also, this is very minor: Lengthen your paragraphs just a tad. It'll go a long way, it somewhat feels like you're trying to make it seem like it's longer than it really is. The posts are plenty long and the spelling, comma usage, and quotations are surprisingly good.