The Deception

Prologue: Aegis ran through the long fields of grain knowing the horsemen were fast on his trail. He veered off to try and get to the forest but found his path blocked. Suddenly he was surrounded by the enemies. He despairingly took out his knife and prepared to die with honor.

Feedback please I have an idea for the 1st chapter which will go in depth and explain the background but I want to know what people think of it.

 

Chapter 1: The empire of Caleron was a large and prosperous land. It was created from a small kingdom to this huge empire by Aegis's father, Scipio. It conquered much of the known world and had a stable economy. Their was one man though who was not happy with the empire. He was named paulus and was the former ruler of the Caledonian tribe. He decided to get revenge on Scipio for making him lose everything so he started planning. After many years he finally got himself. Invited to one of the banquets and then he made his move. He cornered. The king in his office at the end along with his two main generals and then started bribing the soldiers with the kings wealth. Soon he had most of the army on his side and he knew their was only one thing left to do. Kill the heir of Scipio, his son, Aegis had only a small guard and could easily be defeated.

Aegis was laying in his room bored. His father had apparently been off on a trip to view the outlying provinces and he'd been gone for a while. Suddenly he heard the sound of swords clashing and one of his guards and friend, Alaster ran in and shoved the door closed. Hurry he whispered get out the window. Alaster and him jumped out and snuck along a small trail. Alaster explained how most of the soldiers had been bribed and that he heard they killed Scipio. Aegis almost cried when he heard the news and just sat down looking shocked. Suddenly they heard footsteps going and Alaster hissed "Hurry" They left the castle grounds and began sneaking into the fields only having to kill one of the wall guards so they could open the gate.

Still looking for feedback I know it wasn't that actiony but it's gonna get alot more exciting soon.

 

Well considering almost every story you've posted on you say it sucks so I'm not that worried about your opinion. Maybe if people had some legitimate reasons why it sucked and why I should stop then yeah I will but personally I don't wanna listen to your BS.

 

Chapter 2: Aegis had lost Alaster long ago when they were attacked. Alaster shoved Aegis into the forest and then held the enemy's off for as long as he could. He was still running but needed more food and water for their small supply was almost gone. That's when he heard the horsemen behind him. One who was evidently their leader leader walked forward and said "Aegis, prepare to die" He ordered the horsemen to charge but Aegis was quicker. He still had his small dagger and he jumped onto the leaders horse and dug his dagger straight into the leaders chest. The charge faltered as the horsemen watched their leader bleed out before their very eyes. After that the horsemen just stood their waiting for some unseen command and worried about getting killed. Finally one of them yelled "I'll take him down myself" and spurred his horse forward. Aegis almost in shock as he realized he'd just killed someone slowly raised his dagger and then through it straight into the charging horsemens head. Then he galloped off barely hanging on to the saddle as he though of how he had started killing people. "What am I turning into he thought?" Now he was alone unarmed and still no better off for food or water but the horseman had a map. Aegis took it and saw a battle plan and saw where they planned to attack next. Then he remembered something his father had given him when he was young and forced him to take everywhere. It was a simple box but he could never open it. A note said to wait till the time was right. Suddenly he tried again and just like that it opened. It was a different map though because their were trails and places to go. Then he noticed a large red mark over one area. He looked for it on the regular map but it was nowhere to be seen. It was some sort of stronghold built in the mountains in the event of an attack. He excitedly turned and headed off into the sunset

Next chapter will involve the defense of the stronghold and still looking for good feedback. Ex: constructive criticism.

 

Thank you cheese someone who doesn't just go around saying you all suck go away. And have any advice as you're working on a story yourself right now cheese. And as I said Dbo if people Accually showed me why it sucks then I would stop so I don't waste my own time but all your doing is saying you suck your stories suck and so do everyone else's. So honestly you're just an annoying nuisance.

 

Chapter 3 will come in a couple of hours.

 

Alright and doesn't that mean I'm not good if he isnt leaving me alone. Just asking if that's a sly hint to get the hell out.

 

I'm staying but yeah thanks for the advice of ignoring him and I found the perfect place to do chapter 3. While I'm at the book store

 

Chapter 3:
Aegis traveled for miles and miles during the long monotonous days. He was supplied with food and water by friendly villages and farms but he knew he wouldn't stand a chance against more enemy's without some help. After almost a week of traveling he reached the place marked on the map and found nothing. Frowning he checked the box again and saw a note written in the secret language him and his father had invented when Aegis was young. After so remembering he figured out what the note said
"Dear Aegis, If you are reading this then something must have happened to me. I wish you the best of luck and remember I will always love you and be with you in your heart. Their is a secret stronghold hidden in these mountains in the event that you were in danger If you go up the side of the closest hill at the peak their is a small trapdoor. Yell out the words, Scipio Death Aegis stronghold and the guards will admit you. I wish you the best of luck my son.
Sincerely, Your father, Scipio."
He slowly climbed the hill and found the trapdoor. He found himself in a massive cave with miles of stone in all directions. Suddenly he felt a sword at this throat and whirled around to find a squad of the Singulari. The elite bodyguard of the empire. He quickly yelled the code words and explained himself. When he'd told the soldiers the news they looked around nervously. They went to the main base and Aegis noticed their was a lot of defenses being constructed. Then he heard a shout echoing through the cave that chilled him to the bones. It was one of the assassins guild who must have been stalking him. The Singulari quickly gathered their arms and he was amazed to find their was almost a thousand soldiers. A 20 man detachment was sent to see the extent of the enemy numbers while the rest hurriedly assumed defensive positions with ballista and onagers. They heard the clashing of steel and a great battle cry and then suddenly a mob of soldiers started streaming into the cave. The 20 men were quickly overwhelmed and then the enemy brought in a contingent of archers. The Singulari fired right back at them with their equipments but the enemy's kept on coming. Aegis was heading to the main building inside the fortress when he heard the whoose of hundreds of arrows streaking into the compound. Men cried out in pain as the arrows cut through the ranks. Aegis turned around and saw nearly 20 arrows flying towards him. Everything seemed to be incredibly slow to aegis and he realized he was about to die.

 

Chapter 4 will come tommorow morning which for me is about 12 hours

 

Suddenly a huge man jumped in front of him wielding a huge axe and incredibly also wielding a shield. He brought his weapons up and deflected the arrows which bounced away harmlessly. Suddenly Aegis recognized the man. It was the legendary Corbulo. Most people said he was just a myth but he was here and he was commanding the Singulari. Aegis stared in amazement and then Corbulo shoved him into a building before going off to rally the defenders. He heard yells and screams of the dying and wounded and then he heard a gruff voice yelling retreat to the stronghold. A bunch of soldiers ran in and quickly shut and bolted the door. Overall only about 50 soldiers were left but Corbulo was still alive. Corbulo told him to hide but he stayed defiantly taking a sword off the wall. Then he moved to an empty space in the squadron and the enemy was upon them. The enemy's could come in only 2 at a time and they switched off defending against them. The Singulari were much stronger then the common foot soldiers and now that their wasn't a numerical advantage they were demolishing the enemy. He heard the hissing voice again saying "Stand back."he then yelled " Avarix bring your archers." the Singulari realized what was going in and moved back behind the walls then the foot soldiers just streamed in. They broke through and fights started. A man charged at Aegis and he ducked and stabbed him in the stomach. He fell to the floor groaning and then Corbulo was at his side. He slaughtered two soldiers with a single stroke of his mighty sword. Men fell all around them with wounds everywhere but eventually numbers told. The Singulari fell dead around them and soon only Corbulo stood. The hissing man came up. "We don't just have Aegis we have the legendary Corbulo. My master will be happy." Aegis angrily yelled "who is your master" but he didn't answer and just walked away. The soldiers restrained them along with the 2 last Singulari and began the long trek back.

 

Will have the next chapter out tommorow ive been busy lately