The Danger...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Azulean, Jul 28, 2012.

  1. Chapter One
    I found myself lying on the grass, and I thought, where am I? I vaguely remembered something about events like this. Suddenly, I forgot all about it. I was being drawn to this smell, for it was so familiar... it was so much like my home, if I even had one now. I ran as fast as I could, then suddenly, I hit a glass wall. The impact was so hard there was a I felt the warm and cold feeling of my blood trickling down my head. After a few seconds... I blacked out.
     
  2. Chapter Two
    When I awoke again I rubbed my head and there was a scar, but no blood. I stood up and looked around. I couldn't see anything since there was a thick fog. A man appeared out of the fog. He said to me,"You are being held for crimes you've done. We are not releasing you until we remake you." I said,"WAIT! What do you mean REMAKE?!" He disappeared again through the fog without a backwards glance. What crimes have I committed? This cant be right. I noticed a bed and suddenly I felt dizzy. It must have been the blood loss. I fell asleep immeadiately when I landed on the bed.
     
  3. Can you guys give me some feedback so far :D . I need the constructive criticism. 
     
  4. It seems a bit messily formatted. And, err, short. Can't judge what isn't really there, if you know what I mean.

    Damn, I talk sort of like Wheatley...
     
  5. Pretty Good. Needs some work though. Keep it up! Make some more chapters :p
     
  6. Um. Short.