The Compendium of Sluards

Hello forums.
I come to you today, not with my usual terrible ideas, but with a thread of great importance.

At incredible risk to my own life, I have spent the last couple of weeks investigating a group of people that arrived with the FC refugees.

The Sluards

This mysterious group simply appeared from the shadows, and integrated themselves perfectly into our community. Although they stay quiet most of the time, I took an interest in their organization, and compiled this list of information.

 

The following is information I have gleaned from the WC and wall posts of various sluards about members of their collective.
Thanks to Daphnia, and Sluards #1, #23, and #28
And random peoples walls.

#1 The sluard Prime hears voices, all in different languages. Previous name discovered, and will also be kept secret. Between me and my diary only. UPDATE: Mere months after the sluards arrival, Zaft Vs. Apoc has begun.
Could they have caused this?
Could they already be plotting apocs downfall?
Could I possibly be more of a conspiracy theorist?
Time will tell, KaWrums.

#5 Missing, something to do with Santa season. Edit: #5 is Santa, or at least a clone
Edited Edit: Not missing, doing "stuff" involving the lb. Most likely for the sluards gain. I will immediately hypothesize that #5 is Laoda.

#8 Apparently eaten by a "ShadyMarine" after going back in time to retrieve a dinosaur. While the creature was retrieved, #8 is almost certainly dead. Edit: Possibly alive, and in good h- well not good health, but hey alive is better than dead so... Better health?

#13 Fell down a well, had to get their shoulders trimmed to be freed

#17 "Fell" down a well, presumed dead. Possibly murdered by #28 for trying to usurp his position. Edit: Also used as a scapegoat by #28 for whatever crimes he commits.

#18 Has a foot fetish. Hide yo kids, hide yo pics of nic cages feet

#19 Reads minds and speaks many languages. Has informed sluard #1 that his voices are of an unfriendly nature. Harbors a fear of vending machines stealing his soul. Why he doesn't fear gingers, I'll never know. (Totally okay that i make that joke, my girlfriend is a ginger.)

#23? SluardGirl. The only female I've sighted in this shady organization. Possibly the leader, seeing as the one female in a male organization is usually the leader. Previous identity discovered while I was searching, but kept secret for reasons. Edit: Mortal enemy is "Biemer"

#28 A friendly sluard, from what I've seen. But underneath those grinning emojis could be any variety of horrible beast. Edit: A malicious creature that utilizes his fellow sluards as tools to further his gains. Or something. Even if he denies it, who will y'all believe? Trustworthy cas, or suspicious sluard?

#3X In asylum, a Nic Cage impersonator that fell in love with reflection. Official reason is that they attempted to marry their mirror

#37 A zombie. Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and prep the torches and pitchforks. We gon' hunt this thing down
#42 Also in asylum, for the same reason as #3X

#43 no info collected. Yet...

#69 (That number makes so much sense.) Locked into a swiss nuclear facility for being to naturally good looking(for their protection or another's greed, the reason is not clear). I suspect this sluard to be the real Nic Cage. Edit: #69 confirmed to be Nic Cage by SluardGirl

As you can see, some information is repeated. This implies that sluards are so similar, they are prone to similar incidents. One sluard that jumps off a bridge would be followed by several others for example.

 

Collected Sluard Proverbs and Facts (There is an assumed Sluard "Bible", but I've yet to recover more than fragments of this fabled book.)

Sluards are at their best when they are angry with little provocation. ~ Sluard proverb, 1880

Sluardy fact: sluards like to barbecue, because they will only cook if there is an element of danger involved. ~ 999CE

Pee not on the electric fence ~ Sluardy Wisdom, 2000BCE

Actions speak louder than words. Unless you are a Sluard, in which case you are louder than a Prius pumping a Mariah Carey Christmas remix. ~ 1799

Sluardy Wisdom:
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife. Unless thy neighbors wife is Nic Cage. Then thou shalt covet thy neighbors wife.
2000 BC


You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Unless you are a sluard. In which case, fear quiet spaces, slow cars, and allies of any sort.
- Sluardy Roosevelt

Speak loudly, and carry a huge stick.
-Sluardy Roosevelt

Sluardy Wisdom:
And God said, let there be booty, and there was booty.
And God saw dat booty. And it was great.
Sluardy Genisys

Do not bite the hand that feeds. Lick it instead. This is far more disturbing and achieves maximum impact. ~ Sluardy Etiquette, 1492

Sluardy Fact: Sluards enjoy "Nic Caging" leading up to Christmas and also have a 600 question application. (I will attempt infiltration soon.)

Sluardy wisdom- "Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for Nic Cage."

"If thy eye offendeth thee, cast it out. Unless you see Nic Cage. Then casteth it not out."
Sluard Proverb

The sluards apparently have a Walmart detention facility where they show victims every Nic Cage movie until they become a sluard. This will be reported to the Geneva Convention effective immediately.
[Insert image of assumed facility here, or a sluard or something.]

 

Nobody told me. It was my theory.
Except you just confirmed it, so you told me

 

I find it impossible to classify you balto. And tracking down all your accounts would take most of my Kaw years.