Ive been writing my own bible because i wanted a religion that fits my personal philosophy. And because god visited me during a late night porn session and told me to. Much of it is too foul to post here but hopefully i can share the words of the true god with everyone. Foreword To those sensitive readers who have not yet witnessed the glory of the lord our master, we offer this advice. Prepare to be mystified and probably offended by the majesty of the master's teachings. Any resemblance to existing religions and religious materials is intentional, but not done out of spite. I swear. Really. God spoke to me and i had no choice but to answer. The thought of maybe making a buck or two crossed my mind as well, but such is the nature of god. He told me specifically to pass this message to those who are offended. And lo he said unto me, "tell all of my glory and intentions, and let those who naysay my words bend low with pursed lips, and place tribute upon my backside." anyway, enjoy the wonder and so on... Oh and suing authors makes god cry.
Origins 1 1: in the beginning was the darkness and, as i understand it some super molecule or something of the sort. 2: all was good and quiet, but extremely boring. And bored was he who founded shopping malls. 3: so i guess all was not good, but i got the quiet part right. Unless the supermolecule made noise, which im sure that it didnt. I mean its the void for god's sake. In space no one can hear you... Well you know.
4: so bored was he who inspired clock radios in so many designer colors, that he began his great work. A work so grand and marvelous; so superior and grand... No i used grand already... Awe inspiring (that works) that no other could ever hope to match (though others would eventually take credit for it). 5: and he spake into the void (even though no one could hear him) "i shall make from this spot of nothing a universe of pleasure to passs the time.
6: as the great one spoke, the molecule erupted, spiraling out into the infinite void as a great wave of light, eventually cooling into superheated base molecules that collected into stars and so on and so forth (and believe me when i tell you it took more than six days. I mean jesus, who are they trying to kid?)
7: he who designed the erogenous zones to be so wonderfully sensitive looked upon the universe he created and was pleased. So many intricate sparkling lights held together by balanced laws of physics spiraling and twisting. 8: and for a few millennia god was happy for he had a distraction, and in its cycles a measure of time.
9: like all distractions our lords attention waned from the forming stars and planets. 10: the universe was good and very pretty but ultimately limited in its entertainment value. 11: and so god created animals and man to people the worlds. But man was dumb and primitive acting on instinct like the animals. He was predictable and as such little use to the lord.
12: for a while god played with his creations causing geological phenomenon and eternally burning bushes and such until he realized humans could serve his purposes after all. 13: and thus god instilled in the hairless apes the same need he felt for continual entertainment and luxury consumer goods. (it was around this point he did the thing with the erogenous zones too).
14: soon the worlds were filled with songs for sale and tools and houses and god was pleased for in the act of entertaining themselves the people entertained him. 15: still the people knew only barter trading goods for other goods. God realized he would need something standardized with which to trade if he was ever going to see any quality commercial goods.
16: many people had nothing to trade and had no chance of mating were bored. They had only simple games with rocks and sticks to pass the time. 17: some even resorted to physical labor on the farms of others simply for food and shelter. 18: and god came unto a man who was ugly and had no possessions in the guise of a belly dancer with eight fingers on each hand.
19: instantly the man was drawn from his boredome and uplifted by the sight of pur master. "take this gift and trade it for pleasure" god told the man 20: the lord bestowed upon the man blessings of gold coins. "with this all men shall trade for goods and services." 21: thus the first currency was traded that day for a hooker and a bottle of wine. And god was pleased.