This is the feedback threat for Power Misplaced, a story i will be working on. please keep all feedback in this thread and not on the actual story, which, as of now is posted.
Interesting, I like the style so far. But it is a bit dry, and how no characters actually talk. Let's see where it goes!
Very nice so far. One issue is that the 2 sections of Chapter 1 are in different tenses. I'm assuming that's intentional, but I was just checking.
thank you and yea, that swap of the tenses wasn't intentional>_> my bad. i'll probably get around to fixing it tomorrow
Okay so that didn't happen. >_> I ended up getting more sick until the 19th which is when i left on vacation. I didn't have time to write there, as my uncle had me running around a lot. i then came home on the third(of this month!:O). From then to now I've been desperately trying to catch up in my school work, as i was supposed to do some over Christmas break. I did do some thinking though. I've decided I don't like the flashback and i have some heavy editing to do. So I'll be working on it.
chapter two part two is up! it was going to be chapter three, but they both felt short. so bam. the new part starts after the stars
Uh, no there's not if there is, it's unintentional, i haven't read it.. I'll be writing more later today though
Constructive criticism: ~Grammar "Blah blah blah He's on way here I hear. • did you mean on THE way? :/ • secondly, there should be a " at the end if speech, for that was the end of the monologue. Troll's have two hearts. • should be trolls, not troll's in that sentence. There were a few other minor things but they stood out for me. ~Flow • Some sentences ran on a bit. You could do with shortening them to two sentences instead of one. • Another thing I'm a fan of, I use it a lot in Iris (my story) is SUSPENSE and CLIFFHANGERS. There were next to none, and that's what gets people hooked. • A major factor was the short length of chapters. The three of them together wouldn't even make one in a real life situation. A chapter for me is six pages in a word document on a computer. ~Storyline/plot I'll be blunt. •On the whole it was a bit meh. It's the general hobbit/lord of the rings setup, the troll attacks and elf descriptions? Same old same old. •Other thing is the trolls names. Be creative, but from my experience giving the trolls names like you have given them lacks personality and even though they may be different, lacks imagination. They are boring. Simple as that. How could you change this? Giving some of them pronounceable names or even humanish yet barbaric ones are better than names that remind me of, yes, The Lord of the rings. Haven't read it? Read it. • Lastly one important thing to keep your readers entertained is HUMOUR. Your story has zero comic relief. Why not have a troll that is stupid and basically ignored and disregarded by the others during an attack. Wounded at the end, your protagonist is filled with compassion for his fellow reject and lets him free. Please don't take offence from any of this.
soo much feedback. okay, uh. here we go grammar things - thanks i'll get on them. i'm likely going to change it to first person so i might just do it all in one go yea, run on sentences is something i'm bad at, however, i often have no idea how to word them better. i'll give er a whirl though no suspense? awh. darnit. um. yea. no idea how to add that sortof. i'll also aim for more of that in the rewrite chapters are too short - well yes. i realize this, and certainly plan on making them longer in the future, but for what i have happening it doesnt seem like i could mix them all together very well. if you disagree feel free to suggest something boring storyline - why thank you. without giving spoilers, i can say that i do have a more interesting storyline in mind than trolls attack humans, humans get help from the elves, elves and humans kill trolls. lord of the rings-esk troll names - well what would you have me call them? roger and bethany? they aren't human, so it doesnt make a lot of sense for them to have human names. that being said, it doesnt make a lot of sense for them to speak the same language as humans either. hm. i suppose making them speak in a troll language would also be the same as something else and equally boring, so what would you suggest? read the hobbit - i actually own a copy, i'll probably get around to it within the next few weeks have the funnies - having the bumbling idiot troll you've described seems a bit much, i already have one troll making fun of another and making it too heavy would detract from the seriousness of the story, which it's supposed to be. however, it is only a few (very short) chapters in, and there would certainly be some humour later on. lastly, i don't take offense very easily, no harm done and thank you