Tell us what you think about our story! We will need characters soon so if you want, make can apply. We will apply more info on this later
Sounds interesting, it's title reminds of another book. Try putting in a space once in awhile so the text isn't all bunched together. Ex. Hi, I am Jane. I live in a house. I have red hair and brown eyes. Today I went to the park and dropped an ice cream cone of some kids head.
I'm not going to post any more until I get more feedback on it. So if you like it make sure you say so
Ok here's some feedback that you wanted and it's not all that positive.(This is mostly for the second chapter/part) I noticed four things that bugged me. 1. Description, description, description. You lack it. Sorry but it's true. There is some but overall it's hard to get an image in your head. I know it gets hard to do when you're trying to move the story(as in moving along the plot line), I have the same problem. What I recommend is rereading a paragraph then asking yourself if there is enough description.(Characters and setting) 2. In the second chapter you put a period then the word "but". Never do that, it's just wrong 3. Character emotion. I know you're writing in third person(I'm personally a first person writer) but I'm sure you can still describe character feelings/emotions.(Even multiple depending which type of third person you're doing) Like if you're character is on a treadmill, then you could write: John stepped carefully onto the treadmill. He hit the start button and it turned on, starting with an easy walking pace. Minutes turned to hours and soon John was feeling tired. His muscles ached, sweat streaked down his face and his breath was coming out in pants. He felt like his lungs were about to explode. Something like that.(I just came up with that on the stop so it may be inaccurate as to what I'm trying to explain) 4. BB Codes. What about them? You don't have any. It's just a visual and personal preference thing. You could also try naming posts. Like chapter 1, chapter 2, or giving names like: Explosion, Escape, Living Death. Or Chapter 1 part 1, chapter 1 part 2. Stuff like that. Of course these are all suggestions and partly my own opinion so you don't need to take them
I just need enough comments like that to know how to write the story better for other peoples enjoyment
Kay i read it and yes, its good. The beginning does remind me of a certain book but it seems like youre deviating away from that which is good. Also stora, having a . Then but or and isnt exactly wrong. Lots of places its normal. Like where i am.