So I know that it isn't exactly fan fiction, but then nothing really is in FanFic these days. It's about a little child that gets abused. I wrote this poem just off the top of my head in about 7 minutes. Its not very long, please just read it and give feedback. I'm not a poetic writer and I'm only 13 so don't be too harsh. I'm all for constructive criticism but don't give me feedback that you would give for an adult if they wrote this, get what I'm saying? My poem Daddy, daddy, daddy, did you see? Daddy, daddy, daddy, when I cut my knee. Daddy, daddy, daddy, little do you know, Daddy, daddy, daddy, that I love you so. Mommy, mommy, mommy, don't hurt me, Mommy, mommy, mommy, put down the key. Mommy, mommy, mommy, where have you gone? Mommy, mommy, mommy, why am I alone? Daddy, daddy, daddy, stop drinking that, Daddy, daddy, daddy, what's a brat? Daddy, daddy, daddy, would you please, Daddy, daddy, daddy, stop being mean. Mommy, mommy, mommy, I hope you know, Mommy, mommy, mommy, soon I will go, Mommy, mommy, mommy, don't be sad, Mommy, mommy, mommy, but I have been bad. Daddy, daddy, daddy, don't hit me, Daddy, daddy, daddy, for this will be, Daddy, daddy, daddy, my final blow. Daddy, daddy, daddy, oh no, it's time to go. Mommy, mommy, mommy, come fly with me, Mommy, mommy, mommy, when you're by the sea. Mommy, mommy, mommy, just see the stars, Mommy, mommy, mommy, I'll be forever in your heart. Daddy, daddy, daddy, please don't cry, Daddy, daddy, daddy, you said goodbye. Daddy, daddy, daddy, when you are ready, And mommy, mommy, mommy, when you come, bring teddy, I really like it here already, And you are both forgiven, So when you feel like it, Please join me, In the wonderful world of heaven. I know the endings a bit rubbish, but nothing that I thought of seemed right for what I wanted to say lol. Thanks guys, feedback would mean a lot!
I like it, but instead of ending it "wonderful world of heaven," id say "wonderful place called heaven"
Pretty nice, my only criticism I'd give is the 3 mommy/3 daddys. Maybe 2? It might flow better. But other than that it was great!
Yeah that would probably make it better. It's just that when I wrote it, I had some sort of tune running through my head for some reason so the 3 mommy/daddy seemed to go well with that but obviously you guys wouldn't know that! Thanks though, I see where you're coming from.
I hate to say this... But I don't like it. It doesn't really flow and it's just... Blah. However, this is coming from the guy who wrote such classics as "Floss Mummy" and "The Seahorse Is Very Suggestive." ^.^
But, I agree with you. Tunes in our heads can't compute through the internet/forums. I'd like to see you on The Writer's Café, OP. And as a regular in Fan Fiction.
Kasamir, it's fine you can't please everybody, right? And yeah, I might start coming onto these forums more often, you guys seem pretty nice! Thanks to everyone who likes it by the way!
Just to let you guys know, I'm normally just a writer but I thought I should try my hand at poetry for a change! I do prefer writing though