"Just for a little bit... let it last." "I... I love you!" "Oh my. Thi-this is just like a dream! I love you too!" I immediately closed the book. Once again, a happy ending. Why do all perfect endings only happen in books? Why can't it happen in real life? I stood up and walked down the stairs. "Mom! I'm going to schoo-... MOM!" I exclaimed as I ran towards my crying mother. "Ja-Jane..." my mom sniffed. "What happened?" I asked as I quickly took a chair near us. "Don't worry about me. Just go to school." my mom said as she forced a smile on her tear-stricken face. My heart dropped as I saw my mom's expression. My eyes travelled through the table and saw the reason of my mom's tears. "I'm going." I whispered as I kissed her wrinkled cheeks. "Wait. I'll give you some money for lunc-..." "Don't worry, Mom. I can manage." I smiled as I walked out of the house. I walked out of the gate and swallowed my tears. I should not be like this. I should stay strong. I closed the gate as gentle as possible, thinking that I might break the gate again. Hi. I am Jane Evans. I am a sophomore student. Believe it or not, my school is 4 km away from my house. And guess what? I just walk. I walk to my school. No car. No bus. No bike. I use my two feet to carry myself to school. I don't walk because I am some kind of athlete that treats it as some exercise. It's just that... I am poor. My family is poor. Terribly poor. I cannot even buy a new pair of shoes for this school year. And today, I don't even have any lunch money. I guess I will just skip meals... again. Now, I guess you are very much curious what I saw on my Mother's table. Well, as usual, those are the water and electric bills that are unpaid. One time, our water was cut off while I was rinsing my hair with shampoo. I had no choice. I wrapped my dripping body with a towel and bravely crossed the street to use the neighbor's bathroom. Brave, huh? But guess what? That was not the only time I risked my dignity infront of others. Well, going back to my mother. Not only unpaid bills were scattered on her table. There was also one paper that pierced my heart. Beside my Mother's electric bills was... ... my father's request for a divorce.
Attention: This will be a ROMANCE story. Just wait for a bit. This is just some kind of prologue to introduce our main character, Jane Evans. Also, this story will be very short. I bet it would not exceed 50 pages.
Seems ok hard to make a judgement t from the beginning but it's not a piece of a **** like some of the stories around here. Their will be criticism that usually tends to end with GTFO but you get used to it. Overall good grammar and spelling so continue.
It's nice and all grammar-wise, but to me, Romance stories are and always will be cheesy as hell. That being said, the only comment I can make is to use less of those pauses for effect, and also, don't abbreviate unless it's absolutely necessary.
I'm going to agree with cheese. SO. MANY. PAUSES. It gets tedious, and after reading that many, I skip over them.
Chapter 1- The Past... Revealed! I saw it there. Dad was requesting for a divorce... again. This is the 4th time that Dad sent another divorce paper to Mom, and for 3 consecutive times, Mom refused to sign them all. I just do not know if this time, Mom will finally give up all the hope and cut all ties with that despicable monster with a single signature. I do not like my dad. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I HATE my dad from the BOTTOM of my heart. Period. I just cannot believe that he is hurting my mom so much. And worse, for my 17 years of existence, he never showed his face to me. He did not even hold my frail body when I was born. He was somewhere faraway, enjoying his never-ending riches. I stopped walking and rested my body against the wall. I slowly closed my eyes and began reminiscing the past... FLASHBACK 10 years ago... "Mommy, what is 'daddy'?" I asked innocently while holding my teddy bear close to my arms. My mom turned to me and smiled sadly. "Jane, dear, daddy is a big guy who loves you very much." I smiled brightly. "He wuvs me? Then where is big guy?" I asked excitedly. My mom turned away. "I don't know, Jane... I don't know." BACK TO PRESENT I opened my eyes. I did not know. I had no idea that those innocent questions hurt my mom. Why did I not notice it? I had no dad. I never had a dad. I closed my eyes once again. FLASHBACK 5 years ago... "Mommy... I have a question." I asked as I knocked her door. "Jane, dear, I am busy. Can it be asked later?" my mom answered impatiently. "Mom," I continued persistently, "It's important." My mom ignored me and continued writing her reports. "Where is dad?" I asked, straight to the point. My mom automatically stopped writing and quickly turned to me. "What?" "You can't hide this from me forever." I said, my voice getting higher. My mom's expression darkened. "Jane, can it be late-..." "Later?!" I interrupted her," It's always LATER! Why not NOW?! I also need a DAD, Mom! A DAD!" My mom's jaw dropped. "A-am I not enough, Janette Evans?" Ugh. This just got serious. My mom won't call me my full name unless she is really angry. "Yes, Mom!" I snapped, "You're NOT enough! I NEED DAD!" My mom, overwhelmed with intense anger, GRABBED my collar and DRAGGED me out of the room. "Ow! Let me go!" I cried out in pain. My mom completely ignored me and threw me inside my room and locked it. "Mom! Let me out!" I screamed as I banged the door. "See? Do you now feel what it's like?!" my mom angrily answered back. Huh? Feel like what?! I heard sobs on the other side. "You-your dad... ... he... ... locked me inside a room for one year."
Again, too many pauses. Also, those capitalized words make the story lose value, because instead of a deep, sad feeling, it's just an angsty teenager.
The LAST thing you ever want to do in a story is say "Hi, I'm ----- and I'm --- years old." I mean, it totally ruins it. Other than that it was good.
Overly angsty. You lost a lot of the possible feelings with the I'm-a-teenager-with-a-suckish-life thing.
Part 1.2 The Past... Revealed! "Your father locked me inside a room for one year!" Those words left me utterly surprised. I opened my mouth to say a word, but no sound came out. Finally, the silence was broken by my mother's resumed sobs. I backed away from the door and slowly turned to take a look at the empty room. The darkness blinded my eyes. Then, I realized that it was not the darkness which was making my vision blurry, but it was tears from my very own eyes. I was crying. Not because I was angry with my mom for locking me in, but because I got to taste my mom's bitter past just for several minutes. I reached out for the paper from my desk and stared at it. "Why? Why would he do that?" I sobbed as I held out a drawing of my dad from my imagination. This was the drawing that I was going to show my dad once I meet him. Suddenly, I heard the door click and it slowly opened. A tall figure emerged and looked straight at me. "M-mom... I had no idea. I am so sorry." I sniffed while crumpling my drawing. My mom walked towards me and gave me a tight hug. "Baby, it is not your fault," my mom sighed, "It is not his fault either." "Not his fault?!" I exclaimed. "Your dad..." my mom trailed off, "... loved me for real." "But he locked you up!" My mom smiled and ignored my comment. "Your dad and I met in law school. He was very handsome and smart indeed. All the girls went gaga for him." "Gaga?" I repeated. "And you know what?" my mom added excitedly, "Even if he was Mr. Perfect, he still chose me- the ordinary me. And it's all because of the power of love." "Then?" I urged her to continue. My mom's bright visage suddenly darkened. "But his mother did not approve of me. She completely despised me." My jaw dropped. "Why?" My mom shrugged. "I don't know. She did not state any reason. Maybe because I was too ordinary. But anyway, she wants me and your father to break up." My eyes widened in surprise. "How could she?!" My mom bowed her head as she continued her story. "Your father went crazy. He wants me me, but at the same time, he desired for the 100% inheritance from his parents. That is why, he secretly locked me up in a hidden room next to his." "He went mental!" I exclaimed. My mom's eyes watered once again. "Yes." "Why are you crying, Mom? Is it because you miss him?" I asked as I patted her back. "No..." my mom sniffed, "It's just that, I suddenly remembered the cruel things he did to me every night on that cursed year." I stopped patting her back. "What did he do to you?!" My mom inhaled. "He... ... raped me every single night."