It seems a bit too rushed. There is no distinct introduction to the setting, and it just sounds like "This happens then this also happens and another thing happens." Also, you have no breaks for paragraphs. It looks like a big block of text.
odds are that if you feel like your writing way to much about every detail in a story its probly ok. i agree with cheese and tantilius, also if u whant more positive feedback, POST MORE :|