I have recently (since about an hour ago) decided to start writing... Yes...me...writing. I'm not very used to this but I would like to see what you think. Judge me honestly. The following is my attempt at writing the opening to a story... A Very Uneventful Afternoon The Sun was in that position. That one horribly irritating position. Floating obnoxiously in that position. Craig Pitts felt the Sun taunt him; with it's radiation it did taunt. Nothing ever went well for Craig. He considered documenting his life story; he considered it until the damned Celestial Entity that is our Sun penetrated the blinds, proceeding to temporarily blind him. The prudent course of action, decided Mr.Pitts, was to damn the damned, followed by obsessing over the mole on his right hand which the Sun had made contact with. After a thorough fondling, Craig decided that he was most certainly dying. Yep it's pathetic. 5-10 minutes of my life wasted :|
Mr. Craig Pitts is definitely the villain, we're just supposed to believe he isn't since it's written from his point of view.
I like the style. Imho you are a bit repetitive in the paragraphs I quoted. Maybe that's the style you were going for, and if so then that's fine too. My adivce is to re-read and use synonyms when you find the same word used multiple times. An example would be (loosely paraphrasing) "the sun is in that position. That one horrid place perfectly in the sky to torment. Floating obnoxiously there glaring down." Position and place seem interchangeable to me in this context. And by the third sentence it's been set foundly enough to simply say "there". Tl;dr- Repeating a word makes it sound foreign and detracts from your story.
I enjoy Grimm stories from the narrators point of view. Your writhing reminds me of a book of short stories put together by Alfred Hitchcock titled "short stories to read in the dark" or something like that. I really hope you keep writing seriously.
Nice I was fooled by the title of the thread though, dis is click Bait bruv. I thought we'd be judging your ugliness