Don't worry, your story isn't a reject. Some of us just don't have time. I started reading the story, and honestly I wish I could write as well as you. But for the mistakes: Some spelling errors, such as "realising" and a few others, where you switched out the "z" for an "s". Also, you wrote "was" once, at the beginning of a paragraph, instead of the correct tense "were" (I think that's the correct tense, if I remember correctly). Also, it was a bit confusing at the beginning, get family, that is. But I understood it a few paragraphs in. The scene with the lawyer? So they were at his house? I was confused at first, until read on and it said: "she took the long way home..." Her Boyfriend's response "Whatever you want" seems a bit empty for such a large decision as leaving their past lives behind. The word "Lilac" repetition. Try to write it differently if you can. Maybe as "my pink-violet eyes". I recognized the word, but I didn't know the color of Lilac until I searched it up on a dictionary. What's the setting? The last scene gave me an impression of a large open road in the countryside with deep, dark, rolling clouds above. Why would that be in a city? And if it was in a city, I don't think it would be that empty. So what is it? What year? What's the state of technology? I understand this is a slightly dystopian world filled with impenetrable dark clouds, with the rich living well, and the poor living in a decrepit city. But is the city file with empty hulls of long-destroyed and crumbled buildings? Explain the settings more. Also, I think you were missing some words. You wrote something like "and the narrow wasn't getting any shorter." What? I don't understand that sentence at all. "Narrow"? I think you meant to write "and the road wasn't getting any shorter." Also, some of the sentences were a little... Chunky. That sentence about where she looked at her father and saw the jealousy in his eyes that she felt too, for example. The story, though, overall, was amazing. I'm just very... perfectionist-ic. I think it projected the right feeling of darkness and a destroyed world. Without those small errors (if you actually think about all those problems I mentioned above, most of them really aren't anything important. Shouldn't take that long to fix.) the story would move from amazing to even better. If I have time, I would love to continue reading as/if you put out more of the story.
^ firstly let me just say.... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. It was such a surprise to see the little symbol at the side turn red for once. Firstly, I'm Irish. In Ireland and Europe we use British English and so the swapping z for s is intentional, and how we spell here. I have changed the grammar issues you so kindly pointed out in my notes and discovered some horrific ones I failed to edit before. I have so many ideas squashed into my rather over active brain that sometimes they erupt on a page in an incomprehensible fashion. I like to call it description. Needless to say I'm not very good at it. It's meant to be set in a tightly packed grey city of bleak skyscraper-like apartment blocks where the poor of the poorest live. Why didn't I mention that? Because I am as good as tactfully describing as any other deranged peanut.
I enjoy the story. I also agree with the fact that I thought there was a few spellings of swapping z and s, but DO remember that the majority of the audience is American English oriented. It would be like me trying to talk to you with a Australian accent, if you get what I mean. Also, one of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES (not sayings you have to) is something you do a lot. Wondering what it is? This is it. Paragraphing without a space. I really think that you need to separate ideas with spaces. Like so. I really don't like the blocky style and disorganized feeling of this. IT MAKES ME MAD. GAH. Otherwise, I really felt depressed after reading. Good job portraying the feeling! Keep it up.
^ thank you for commenting I will try to use American English on kaw from now on. I was on autopilot. And I'll try to improve spacing from now on thanks There are numerous spelling and grammar mistakes I am ASHAMED to notice now. Thanks for pointing them out
Don't worry. Keep the story going. It's great. Notify me/us when a new chapter is up. I'll try to read it when I have time, and comment.
Nothing major. You're continuing the same dark and depressing feeling, which is good. I noticed a few places where the was/were seemed a little weird. I think that the was tense made sense for a few of them, it just seemed to make the sentence a bit awkward. There were some places where I would have put a comma, but that's fine. A few slight problems: •"They grey city •That gave the city "it's" name. It should be "its". •There "was" no other villages... It should be "were". Then I think there was one place where there should have been a comma. I forgot where. This chapter was a bit short, but overall it was fine. Things are speeding up! I can't wait! (Note: I never read the first book, so whatever. Even if you did bump it, I probably wouldn't have time, sorry.)
Thanks again for reading it I have fixed the errors (in my notes, I can't do it on the thread ) As to the length, in a real life book situation, chapter one and two here only make up chapter one if you get me. Book 1 is the story of Celeste, her grandmother when she was younger. I only ever posted 3/4 of it on here and it was so badly written I think I'd cry if someone bumped it. It was called Emily.
I wrote that at half three in the morning last night and all thoughts of grammar had died. I don't know where it is got buried a while back in 2012 or something I'll re-write and post it sometime.... And I know the order is ****** up but since it's Celeste's story and only really applies to the third book it's fine and dandy It just means that you don't care so much that Celeste is dead in this book, but you would've had you read the first book. Does that make sense?
Bro i have 4 words...THAT WAS FREAKING AMAZING!!! IS THERE MORE?? Wow!!! You are great writer, you should pursue it as a career!!! There are of course some grammar problems, but everything is Spot on!!! I can see this turning into a video game or movie! Keep it up and please please let me know when there is more!!!
I haven't seen such an amazing story in a long time. More please! Phoenix corrected all the errors I was going to fix. Not sure, but did you change yen boyfriends name from Emerson to Emeron? Might want to check that.
The style of the writing was extreamly good. I read authors similar to that(though they are probably slightly better for the only pure fact that they've written and published books before and have more experience) Besides maybe slight grammar errors grammar/spelling as a whole seemed ok. Now the thing tht bothered me most. The profanity/swearing. I personally don't mind the "hell hole" part that you described the city with, but F****** for the EIGHTEEN YEARS part. You would and will get the same effect of annoyance and emotion if you dropped the F****** I promise. So keep that word away from your story. I feel like books and stories are ment to be enjoyable and as much as we like to use words like that in daily life speaking it shouldn't be in a book. Now the story line. I get the lilac eyes are important for reasons yet unknown. However if you keep emphasisng it as you did it will after a while become slightly bothersome. You shouldn't stop mentioning it but maybe less and vary how you saw it. Like my different coloured eyes or some other wording without lilac. Your detailing and imagery for the story was very good but there are places where you can clear it up a bit. Like I know you made it clear Celery and Celeste were the same person but I didn't fully realise that it was the grandma till a little farther in. It may be just me but. I can't think of anything else I'd like to say because honesty it was pretty good. If you post more please let me know.