This is a horror/suspense book I am writing. Only one chapter at the moment. Howling Chapter 1: Howling in the woods We sprint past trees. Me, Dan, Amber, Alyssa, Darren and Jacob. We stop in a small clearing for a second. The full moon shines over the trees. "guys. Do you think we lost it?" says Dan. "I think so. I cant see it" Jacob replies and peers through the trees. Just as we get our breath back we hear a howl from the right of us. "oh god. We're so dead" Amber cries. "there is a light over there" I shout and I point to the left and as soon as I do we sprint for our lives in that direction. We vault over fallen trees and run past trees towards the light that gives us hope that we will survive. When we reach the light our hope goes. It is a SAS camp. And there are shredded bodies everywhere, guts and blood covering the floor and the tents. "oh Jesus... They are all dead." says Darren looking around in fear. I notice some weaponry lying around and pick up a spas 12 lying in a pile of guts. "grab some guns you guys. We might have a chance." I say. Minutes later we are armed and dangerous and our hope re-kindles for a moment but as we get back to back we notice. There were more than one. If you like it tell me and I will do another couple of chapters and it will get better and better. I'm open to any constructive criticism that you can offer. Thanks for reading.
Sorry but I'll be blunt. It's not total crap, but it's pretty close. The plot seems interesting but thats about it. The first thing I noticed was that punctuation was missing in many places. The writing sounded like there was something missing from sentences. Or maybe that's because I'm not used to reading stories written in present tense. You should capitalize the first letter in the first word of a sentence. Also, you have pretty much no description. There's a little but not enough to give readers a clear image in their heads. Try to put more "beef"(not literally! Lol) into the plot to make it "richer". You want to make sure your readers know what is going on.
Choppy... Very choppy... Why don't you rewrite it with more description and really focus on fluidity. I'd be interested to see what you come up with And bravo for taking the suggestions well!
I have to agree with Stora. Except this is uttercrap from a bin. I have read plenty of horror in my life, I like to write horror and suspence. And your story is just a kid typing words into a keyboard and hoping that the outcome is good. You have no grammar, punctuation or the describtive element that is required for a horror or a suspence story. Describtion is the power behind suspence stories, and horror. You said in the story; "It was SAS camp. And there were shredded bodies everywhere, blood and guts covering the floor and tents." This could very easily be changed into; "It was a delapidated SAS camp. They had clearly been here before use. Soliders lay scattered in a millions pieces everywhere. On the ground, hiding from the terrible fate the fell apon them. The crimson blood painted the green camo tents a shade of sickly darker red. The innards of the past men where carpeting the mud, shielded the tents and were housed in strange places. A bloody intestine hung comically from a lamppost. It was hilarious but I quietened the giggle because I couldn't see anyone else laughing at a terrifing time as such." One thing I added there that you COMPLETELY missed is paragraphs, it makes things much easier to read. /endrant