I woke up in a daze.The last thing I remembered was a house.I had climbed through a window into a house,but I could not remember why.My head really hurt,it felt like I had taken a beating. "Hello"a boy said to me.He was like six foot four.He gad dirty blond hair,and blue-green eyes that reflected my face back to me.I looked like death warmed over.I knew that I knew him,but I could not place him. "Uh..hi?"I said more than a little uncertain.The boy smiled,and put out his hand to help me stand.I waved it away,and quickly tried to stand.The room immedatly spun,and I sat back down.He sat down next to me. "Do you remember anything?I supp you don't,so I will just tell you.My name is Andrew.No last name.Anyhow,you climbed my fortress wall that is 69 fewt tall…witg you came two boys.My gaurd took the guys,and you collapased.I" carried you down here.You have been out for days.Just 10 minutes before you came to,avgreen ligt enveloped you completly."Andrew said. "Is that normal?"I aked curiously.Andrew's face smirked just a but. "
It's interesting. You need to add more. A WHOLE LOT MORE into every event. Not "Oh i climbed a 69 foot wall". It should be something like "I scaled the massive, endless wall. Every step I took seemed to only keep me closer to the bottom. Suddenly, archers began to attack and a zombie apocalypse! >:O" Not necessarily as random, but adding more detaols definetly attracts more people. Also, proofread. Especially scan for spelling and grammer. I myself an a grammer unicorn. Watch out for parenthesis, and also paragraph things. Don't make one massive block of words (it's boring for readers and scares us). Would you rather read the following - "Hey" I said to her. "Sup"she told me. "So wut happend at the crash" I asked n she told me. - Or - "Hey!" I said to her. "What's up?" She replied. "What happened at that crash?" I asked, and she turned toward the window in distraught. - Doesn't it look much nicer when it is less cluttered and has correct grammer and spelling (I can't spell, don't worry)? Just a thought, make sure to keep writing!
"Um,how do you feel?"Andrew asked as if I had a cold.I knew it shouldn't,but he really annoyed me with all his talking.When he talks his voice gets pitchy and then falters between low and high.Annoying as hell. "Dizzy,I guessI hit my head hard when I went unconcious?"I sighed.Andrew just nodded his head,and stood up.He offered his hand,and this time I took it.It was warm and clamy.He had 3 calluses that were rough against my fingers.Andrew pulled me to my feet,and this time the room stayed where it was suppose to.Andrew's face looked shocked,or maybe I imagined it,because in a second his face was dull and straight.Great he is probablly thinkibg I am a freak,or something. "You are not a freak!Now stop thinking that.It is--it's not right."Andrew muttered,and began walking,dragging me bejind him.He read my mind?How is that possible? "Where are we going?Are you going to kill me?Ow,quit squeezing my hand so haes!It hurts!"I blabbered.Andrew just sped up his walk.I looked down,and saw that my fingers were turning purple.I yanked my hand out of his grip,and stopped walking.Andrew walked a few feet before he realized that I wasn't with him anymore.He looked back,rolled his eyes,and walked back to me.We were standing toe to toe.He looked down at me.and leaned down so I could look him in his face. "To the rest of the group.Like it or not,you are in my group now.We need to make a plan.Happy?Goof.Lets go."Andrew whisperred to me,sending chills down my spine.Andrew stood up straight,grabbed my hand ,and I had to run to keep up with hid big stride. Andrew led ne down a dark hallway,we turned left intio another dark hall,then right into a dimlly lit room.There were 3 oher
Other people in the room.A girl with short,black pixie like hair with green hughlights.She sat with her arms crossed,and kinda slouching.She looked like the type of person that if I met her in a dark alley,she would be the onky one going back out.To her right sat sat a boy.Thus boy wasthe darkest of everyone in the room.He hadclose cropped hair,and brown eyes that set of his almond-choclate complexion.To the girl's other side was another boy.He had blue hair,and fiery red eyes that made him look paler than he probablly was.Once they saw me,they all stood.They all towered over me with me being four foot six,it wasn't that hard to do.I knew then that I woild never fit in with these people.
Ok I have a few things 1) spelling and grammar: you always have to check so people can read it 2) 1 word: DESCRIPTION- your story could use some more of it. It seems a little bland, but not terrible. The concept is good. 3) if u write a story, write the whole thing in 1 thread people hate if u use multiple threads for chapters. I know from experience.
thanks for advice,and yes I am aware of the spellinh problems,but most of it is due to the fact that I can not easily see my keyboard and screen
Thn chk da blmmihg stery. Have you heard of PROOF READING?! We're trying to give you free advice but your not sticking to it. Improve your story so I can actually read it!
Put a space after a full stop.Ok? Then spilk it right. Also put another space at the end of a comma,Other than that good writin. Put a space after a full stop. Ok? Then spell it right. Also put another space at the end of a comma, Other than that good writing.
I'm sorry for the criticism.... but read over your work!!! Its very interesting but the spacing grammer and spelling are all terrible ... are you in like 3rd grade!?!?
Look who's talking, angel. But I do agree, better grammar, spelling yadayadayada. But the key thing is more description, it's somewhat lacking so far. Personally, I can bypass the grammar and spelling if it has great description.