NEVER EVER PUT "Hi, I'm *name*, I'm *age*, *whatever*. I will not read anwhere beyond that point. It will most likely be a bad story if it starts that way, unless you can actually pull it off. Guess what? YOU CAN'T.
^Calm down, will you? Violence never improved anyone. About the worst thing you can do in a story is "I'm ____, I'm __ years old, and ________". Reason being that it doesn't provide flow. To clarify, it's like instead of learning to drive, it's instantly putting you in a speeding highway on a bicycle. It's like a severed timeline. Another thing about that intro is that it instantly loses its glow, it's "spirit". You simply can't connect with a character unless you create your own image of them. You just throw her in and expect people to bond with her. While the story is by no means bad, you made a critical error. You can counteract this by subtly introducing the other characters, but the story is now limited. Keep writing, though :3
Okay haha, I'm new to writing to be honest, I'm sorry if I didnt know these rules? Thanks cheese for actually explaining it nicely
Well I introduced my story with much more info than yours XD Yeah it's quite like mean girls, not that I've seen it or anything...
OMG I LOVE THE FILM MEAN GIRLS Nah I'll admit it. I have got the inspiration from Mean Girls, I was hoping nobody was going to notice But it's got a twist!
Oh by the way, lifes busy at the moment (studying, boyfriends) so the next chapter will probably be up tomorrow or Saturday night! -Swag x