Ok so I wasn't really sure what to call this but anyway... Reading through my Atlantric chapters I think I'm missing many descriptions that are about the scene/setting. I think descriptions might be my weakness. So I tried writing these short paragraphs that focused mainly on descriptions. I'm not sure if it's good or not so PLEASE give me some feedback about them, Please and Thankyou! at the end of this thread I wrote what picture each paragraph was trying to paint so let me know if it matched up. Thankyou! Diaries of Strangers. Morning: Slight breezes blow, my hair flys behind me; catching the sunlight breaking into golden highlights. The usual picture perfect landscape is covered with a white blanket. Nothing is spared. The snow glistens brightly, making me wonder if it is real. Trees spread all around, it's usual green now hidden away. I raise my binoculars to my eyes, the pressure on my eyes, cold. Staring though, I see a frozen cascade. Now an icy slide, clear and bright. Sun rays threaten to melt it back to liquid. Icicles gleam wickedly. Like hanging daggers, waiting for the right time. I lower my binoculars, the pressure released. Staring out again from my cliff, the sun has fully risen. Afternoon: The bustling city never fails to disappoint. Standing on the sidewalk, people go past me; their chatter like a thousand birds. Noise is a surround sound. The stop lights change color, blinking from one to another. Hands in my pockets I can feel my extra change, carelessly thrown around my pockets. Cold hard coins, between my fingers. Smell mingles around me. All different. Someone bumps into me, causing me to fall. My hands hit the hard cement. Scraping my elbow. Im sprawled on my back. The pain is sharp and quick. Righting himself, he walks on muttering without helping me up. Evening: Barefoot in my room. The floor is cold and smooth. The light from the ceiling is blinding, painful to the eyes but illuminates every dark corner. Sitting on the edge of my bed, my covers a mess. My diary on my lap, my pen in hand. My fingers grip it tightly. Each letter I write, so full of pain and hatred. The black ink splotches the paper, penetrating through 3 pages. I drop my pen, it hits the wood floor creating a hollow noise. Night: My nose pressed to the cold glass. I exhale, creating a fog blurring my vision. The Christmas lights next door are like fireflies but steady instead of blinking. Two hands come down on my shoulders. Looking behind, my dad stands with a grin. Moving beside me, he points at the full moon telling a story of cheese. His voice is deep and light hearted. Every he says I catch. When he laughs it's soft but full of humor. He lifts me up and swings me around. My short hair is whisked behind me. Gurgles of my own laughter erupt from my throat. My dad grins again and slips me into my bed. Saying goodnight in his quiet way, he turns off the lights the room plunging into darkness. Afternoon Breath: I run through the busy marketplace. Peoples chatter turns into curses and shouts as I bump and push people out of my ways. Despite the cheery atmosphere and the bright afternoon, I was on the run. My captor is not far behind, he aims to kill me for sure. Sweat pricks at my neck; the sun is merciless. My feet are getting heavier. I know I can't run forever. I hear more shouts and curses from behind me. My captor is catching up. The blade in my hand feels heartless and cold but I know I would have to use it soon. Running into a dark side street, away from the bustle. Putting a hand on the brick wall catching my breath. I can feel every texture. I hear the sound of feet, looking up my captor has caught up. He has two curved swords at his sides. I can see he is tired as well. I draw my blade. My reflection stares back at me. A scared teenager of 16, pale with thin black hair. He hasn't noticed my blade yet. This would be my only chance. I jump at him. I hope you can see what each one describes, this is what I was trying to show in each: -Morning: A young women on top of a cliff in the winter time out in the country.(In the morning) looking at her surroundings. -Afternoon: In the summer a teenage boy in a big city standing on the sidewalk watching everything.(In the afternoon) He gets pushed over by a man. -Evening: A teen girl in her bedroom after a fight with her friends writing in her diary.(In the evening) -Night: A young girl(Maybe 6-8 years old) Looking out the window of her room in November/October, her father talks to her before bed. -Afternoon Breath: A 16 year old teen boy runs away from his captor/assassin in the medieval age. Going through a busy market place. (This is in the afternoon) I hope you guys saw these images too. please leave feedback
Well, the afternoon one could have been a girl or boy, and I originally inferred him to be a girl, and I didn't see the cliff in the first one. The diary one was good, but the young child sounded to mature (it's your writing that's mature) to be so young. It was good that while describing you never used any double adjectives, and instead used strong ones (Green, growing plant vs. Thriving plant).
Also... - You write best from a girls point of view - Don't forget to describe the person who's point of view it's from - Occasionally it's okay to just state where your character is, though don't do this too often - Don't be too harsh on yourself, that's for others to do. I don't think description is your weakness, maybe remembering to describe in your story is. I think I have the same problem, especially when writing in first person. Oh yeah: Stora, you ROX ALL OUR SOX OFF! (or maybe just mine...)
Hmm I noticed u didn't really describe either in ur book alot but I think it's just gonna be something you'll have to work on
Lol lady u may be right, I think I tend to focus on action more than description lol @Feather yeah I'm considering going on PC and editing everything...
I've added/edited morning: Morning: Slight breezes blow, my hair flys behind me; catching the sunlight breaking into golden highlights. At the top, staring down at the world below me. I stand at the edge of the cliff without fear of toppling down into the snow. The usual picture perfect landscape is covered with a white blanket. Nothing is spared. The snow glistens brightly, making me wonder if it is real. Trees spread all around, small in sight; getting smaller in the distance. It's usual green now hidden away. I raise my binoculars to my eyes, the pressure on my eyes, cold. Staring though, I see a frozen cascade. Now an icy slide, clear and bright. Sun rays threaten to melt it back to liquid. Icicles gleam wickedly. Like hanging daggers, waiting for the right time. I lower my binoculars, the pressure released. Staring out again from my cliff, the sun has fully risen.
Reminders written on my hand... lol Jk..sort of... Ive got story layout fine, just the fine details need a bit of more thinking and planning because that's where all the description stuff comes in...
Ugh! I have WAY to much planning! I've already planned out A Game of Secrets, it's sequel (not yet named), and the third book (Of the Escaped). It's so much easier to plan the story than to write it!
Wow lady, u plan way faster than me! Lol I've only got all of Atlantric planned out...but then again I'm not planning on a sequel.
Yeah! The idea with Caleb and Jade and Tyler coming and bam boom! Tension between the brothers and then Jade is like WOA! Ur bros! And Caleb is like... Well, I'm revealing a bit to much, but let me tell you this: my story will keep you on your toes!