Dear Mum, This Year Will Be Ending. (written 29/12/2011)

Dear Mum, this year will be ending soon and I just wanted to write you a letter reflecting on the year we have had. So here it goes.

Welcome to what might be the hardest thing to read, Mum.

This year started as it usually does, all of us gathered together having fun. Things were fine and seemed to be going great till February the 13th. I started talking to a boy called, Chris. I was spending more time in my room, on my ipod sending him messages. I quickly fell in love. 2 days later, Chris and I started going out and I was still staying in my room talking to him, you started to see less off me. Things stayed like that for over 2 months, till Chris cheated on me and left me. I cried that whole night, and you held me the next day. You still weren't seeing me much, and things were getting worse Mum. I started to look paler and I wasn't eating as much, you noticed that I was always complaining of stomach pains, so you took me to the doctors just to be told that you needed to help me get my eating stable again and not go anymore days without food. You tried your best to help me, you would even cry at dinner time when you had cooked me a lovely dinner and all I could do was eat a little bit of it then throw it straight back up, you also cried when I came home from school with still all of my lunch money. That broke my heart, seeing them tears fall from your eyes. Things kept getting worse, every time I came home from school I would go straight to my room and you only saw me for like 15 minutes each day. Then one night, you started shouting at me, because I refused to eat dinner, you spent over 2 hours shouting and screaming and throwing things around at me, that night was the first time I had cut myself in 5 years. Things started to look brighter, your birthday was close and I had got you some perfume with money that I had earned and I felt proud that I could do this, I also made you a bookmark thing that Fearn ate. Things were still looking a bit brighter to you, but in behind my bedroom door, I was there sitting on my bed watching as blood dripped from my knee's and sometimes wrist's, I cut my knee's because I know you would never see them because I always have skinny jeans on. You saw that I was still getting thin, and that I had stopped being sick but would still bring back the same amount of lunch money I left with in the morning. I then stopped cutting myself, telling myself it wasn't doing me any good, it was just making things worse. Life started to catch up with me, I started to think of everything again, I started to think of the past again, and that forced me into the decision of getting EMDR... But without you with me. You still thought things were getting better, but my eating never changed and I was crying at nights again. One night, I just had to come into your room and lay next to you in your bed and hugged you with tears streaming down my face because I missed Kenny so much, and I know it must have hurt with me telling you that because after all the damage he did. Stuart and Cay broke up and she started you, Fearn and I death threat's while screwing Stuart over and calling the police on him all the time. I then started having suicidal thoughts, and all the drama with Stuart was close to pushing me over the edge, but I went on with a smile on my face. I pretended to everyone that everything was fine. These suicidal thoughts started to get worse, and after I had finished with the film stuff, I got really depressed and hours would go by like seconds while I would stare at the four walls surrounding me, trapping me. On july the 2nd, you noticed that I was really depressed, and asked me what was wrong, I burst into tears, how was I supposed to tell you I wanted to end this life of mine, but you took my poetry book and all you had to do was read the first 2 poems... Both about suicide, and I saw you getting angry, you started shouting at me again while I sat on that stool crying with my head in my hands. You asked me what was wrong with my life, at that point, I wanted to jump up and shout at you, you know exactly what I have been through, and yet you can still ask me this question? We then went to aunty Marion's house that night and I stayed in Emma-Jane's room crying while you all were in the living room having a Ceilidh, but Emma-Jane came and talk to me and I told her everything, but Hugh was really drunk and wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to be the one telling my oldest brother that I wanted to die, but he understood, because he felt like this when he was my age too, he even explained how he was sitting at the top of the stairs when Kenny was trying to kill you at the bottom of the stairs, he actually cheered me up a bit. Things after that night got better surprisingly, you still acted mad and angry at me though, and my eating didn't change one bit, and I wrote a poem called "This Is A Story Of A Girl" based on my past, apart from the last bit, remember Emma? Remember how her dad was the nicest man alive, but got drunk and ended up beating her mum to death? Well, the ending of the poem was based on her past, I just wanted to show people how bad life can get. Things were still a bit weary, you still only saw me for about 15 minutes a day and I was still getting thin, but one day I passed out on the couch beside you and when I woke up, you weren't there, you went to go for a nap and I tried to get up but I felt so weak so I just stayed on the floor for a little bit. Remember that day that I had to stay in the car and all I did was cry? I cried because I didn't have much energy still due to my eating, and Kaitlyn was desperate to play with me by the sea... It broke my heart, I have already lost a sister and Kaitlyn is just like my little sister. And Mum, I did hear you cry that one summer night, it tore me too pieces hearing you cry like that, it brought back memories of how I would be hugging you after Kenny would beat you up or me up, and I would just stay there holding you and sometimes I would cry with you. I started hiding things from you, then Chris died, my ex-boyfriend but by then, he was my best friend, I didn't tell you though, I wanted to pull through something on my own, but at the same time, you found another lump. When you told me that you might have cancer again, I went straight to my room and started cutting again, I told myself I was the one that should be feeling the pain, not you! I cried endless after that, and Stuart's drama stuff kept getting worse, I just ignored the death threats his ex was sending me. All the drama started to calm down a bit, then Uncle Archie died... But after that, things calmed again till I started going mental, and I would start going off for a walk and would talk to a girl called Natasha-Louise. You got a little worried but that wore off, I got back to being the random me and we found out that you didn't have cancer, I went into school the next day dancing. Everything seemed good for a while and I got to pay the first amount of money for the China trip I am going on in 2013,I thought everything was going smoothly... Till Allan died, I couldn't believe it but I had to come to terms of it. You started to see me smile, I kept telling myself that Allan had left me with some of the best times of my life, you hadn't seen me smile properly in a while so it was a change for you too. Things started to get better, and days came and went and nothing changed, life just went on. But then Stuart called one night, he told you that he might have cancer, that brought everything crashing down for me. I started losing lots of sleep and my eating got even worse if that was possible, I got sleepy but couldn't sleep and I lost a lot of energy, this last for almost a month and I had lost almost a stone because of it, that is when you started trying to get things to brighten up for me and things did get better, my crush Joshua and I had become a little more than friends and I felt like the luckiest girl ever... Then we found out Stuart didn't have cancer, so things for me got even better and I started to feel like I was on top of the world, till Joshua broke my heart. Remember I cried so much that night that I had a panic attack? You kept me off school the next day because of that so I stayed home and cared for you, just like I used to do when you had cancer, I cared for you on Monday, Tuesday, went into school on Wednesday and had another panic attack, Thursday and Friday, then the week after I went in on Tuesday and had another panic attack, and on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. But Liam was murdered during that week, and caused things to get worse. Then 2 days before christmas, John died and how he died caused the whole of Skye to have no power. Now we come to today, I am smiling because now I have 5 guardian angels watching over me and they have all left me with good memories, but John's funeral was today, only Sam went though and Liam's funeral had to be moved to tomorrow because of the storms.

Mum, I just want to tell you that I feel closer to you now after this year, growing up has been tough. You are such a strong woman, and I know I getting reallya nnoyed with you at times and I know I say things that hurt you aswell and I sorry for that Mum. I have learnt that you are actually stronger than I can even believe, you have been put through so much and I shouldn't be the one putting you through anymore, you are truelly amazing. Thank-you so much for being there for me, for loving me, for caring about me, for being a mum most of the time and not a monster. I love you, Mum. < 3