Breach 3: One Kill By the time the cops got here, I was already gone. I wasn't ever going back for the money. I hated their "HQ" every time I went there, someone was being tortured, raped or brutally executed. Now that I was done with this job, I had one more thing I had to do that I "forgot" to tell their leader. My next mission is him. Hired by yet another mysterious man that wanted someone dead for ******* him over. While I'm driving, for some reason I start humming bad boys - cops. On my way to what the leader thinks is a meeting to finish payment. When I pull up to the alley, I see four armed men and their leader awaiting the "good news". I exit the car. "The job is done." "Good job. I knew I could count on you." He said as his men quickly raised their weapons and pointed them at me. "Sadly though, I couldn't count on you. I know the deal you made with that other man. You betrayed me. Now come with us." "What deal?" "Don't ******* lie to me!" "I'm not." "Kill this lying son of a *****!" They open fire and I quickly run and duck behind a dumpster. All of a sudden, I feel this sharp pain in my side. I touch where the pain is. ****! It's wet! I thought. I quickly grab my gun. I know I'm not making this out alive. "Throw your gun away and we will take you in!" I'm thinking too much about the blood loss and realize that if I am dead, I wont be able to get paid so the job is 't worth it. "Fine!" I say while throwing it down "Come out slowly!" I do as they say They walk over and put a bag on my head and tie my hands together with a zip tie. Next thing I know, they throw me into a car. Pitch Black All of a sudden, after what seemed like days but was only minutes, we came to a stop. They carried me in. I heard some chatter, but I couldn't understand it because it was spanish. They continued carrying me in and sit me down on a chair. Then someone cut the tie from my hands then tied all my limbs to the chair. Here comes the fun part, I think. "So" a man says "you tried to **** my boss over eh?" He punched me where I was shot "Ahh!" The pain was intense, I tried not to show weakness. I better be payed overtime for this, I thought while suffering another blow from the same spot. "Ahhh" I tried to hold back tears as hard as I could but that wasn't enough. The pain was unbearable. I counted five more blows in the same spot. Each time hurt more than the last. "I believe you owe us an apology." "**** you! I hope you rot in hell you ass-ahh! He hit me again, harder than the other times. "I'm sorry, what?" I searched in my back pants pocket and found a little knife. "Sorry" I said just to get him to leave. Like I thought he left. No word, no goodbye or hasta la vista baby or I'm going or even a simple bye, he just left. At that point, I started cutting the ties one at a time until I got them all. I took the bag off of my head and saw the leader standing right there. Not giving a rat's ass about what I'm doing. "Good thing you found a way out. Killing you while you were tied up would have been too easy, too boring. Now that you found a way out, it will be more challenging and exciting." He said laughing "**** you, you retarded son of a *****. I'm going to kill you!" "Bring it on asshole!" I take my knife and run towards him at full speed, he dodges my attack and punched me where I had been shot. "Heh now you will die asshole!" I said I run up to him and lunge my blade at him. I nicked him once or twice but he kept dodging left and right. I aimed low and got him on the first time. In the stomach, blood started gushing out and I kept stabbing him until his stomach was all crushed and bloody. I took the knife out of his stomach. Put it up to his neck and sliced. I cut his entire head off and placed it in a bag to use as evidence of his death. I quickly sneaked out of the hellhole they were keeping me in. I found a car by the warehouse and broke the glass, placed the head in the passenger's seat. Then I opened the door, hopped in then drove away. I met the mystery man where he said we'd meet and he was there. I gave him the head and he aimed a gun at my head. Oh **** not again, I thought. But this time he ran away with the head and I never saw him again. The next morning, I woke up in my normal bed went on my computer checked my bank **** and found a $200,000 deposit from an unknown person. Not worth 200 grand, I thought.
Ok, from what I'm getting is that an assassin shot a secret service agent and washout out before the cops arrived, but made a deal with a guy to kill the guy that gave him the job to kill that SS Agent. There are some errors like, how did the assassin get the gun in the room. If someone goes into a room and then rushes out with a room that faces there'd person. If they were giving a speech, FBI Agents would be there prob faster than cops. When the assassin got shot, they weren't using silencers I'm guessing so someone would prob here the noise and call the cops. By the time they get to the HQ, it would be night and the CIA would prob think it was meant for the president to die. They would find the HQ and surely kill everyone there. How did the second mystery manger into a gangs hideout with no problem? How did the assassin not run into one gang member on the way out? Also if the person was shot in the side, he would probably bleed out, I mean the car ride was prob like an hour, he was punched multiple times there so that would make it bleed more, and then he had to get home, he would have to get medical supplies to even survive until then and he had no way of getting to a hospital or home. Also, I think the persons hands were behind the chair, if that is, then he could not reach his back pocket so easily and would probably struggle, also his arms were tied to so... If you make an assassin story atleast think about the realism of it but other than that its fine.
On my second error auto correct messed it up, it was supposed to say, if someone rushes into a room that faces the assassinated guy, then rushes out, he would be very suspicious.
The story's (yes it is spelled like that any unicorns out there) okay. It goes too fast, skips over details, the usual things most writers in FanFic (especially me) do more often than not. There is a definet plot line but the swearing really takes away and makes it look less ******* attractive every ******* star I see. Could you try keeping all of these on one thread also? It gets tedious and annoying to readers when every other thread is BREACH XXX: BLAH BLAH BLAH. Not dissing the story, it is an interesting plot, but keeping it simple helps a bit. Me personally would rank this a 4 out of 10. It has a massive amount of room to grow, but you seem like a good starter writer and i'm excited to see you expand on your abilities!