Impressive, just needs a bit of editing. I personally don't like when my author tells me who is there outright. Bring a little mini-story out of it. Have fun!
^Agreed. A little more editing, smooth it out. Don't make it all one paragraph, it makes it look longer and neater. Maybe type it up in some notes section if you aren't already doing that. When I attempted to write a story I wrote it all in my notes and it was a lot easier. Or download some document app.
PARAGRAPHS. PARAGRAPHS. PARAGRAPHS. It seems interesting, but sadly as i kept scrolling all i saw was Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It is a good story, could use a lot more added to each chapter, and explain more. Have more interactions, just don't put down praddle that doesn't add to the story, like "Hey what's up?" "Oh nothing." I replied. "K, see ya." Things like that drive me up a wall! Keep up the writing!