A Letter in the Dark Against My Better Judgement

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by SadisticSnowman, Oct 11, 2015.

  1. *EDIT* I wrote this at like four in the morning last night and thought it was a good idea to post it here. I woke up the next morning with no memory of posting it. It's surprisingly well written for how late it was. That combined with the fact that it's funny how over the top I was (while this is all technically true, it's not this extreme by a long shot) lead me to the decision not to delete it for comedic effect. Enjoy.

    I can feel my judgement slipping away as the night drags on. Is that odd? I know for a fact that if it were daytime, or even earlier in the night, I wouldn't be writing this. But it's not. It's late.

    As soon as I turned off the lights and plunged my world, briefly, into a blissful darkness, I knew it was going to be one of *those* nights. Where I lay in bed for hours, staring at the slats of my brother's bunk bed. Pace across my room, maybe. Heck, maybe even crank out a few push ups. But the whole time I'm just getting more and more irrational and more and more foolish. I might not even remember any of this.

    I don't want you to freak out, because I'm not going to kill myself, or cut, or shoot up a school. I've got enough sense left in me to avoid that. But not enough to stop writing this. Is that odd? I know this is a bad idea, but at the same time, it doesn't.

    Every time I've been interested in a girl, I've always been friendzoned, rejected, or scorned. And if I can manage a friendship it's always shaky, where I have to try way too hard to keep everything from falling apart, which it inevitably does.

    But being around you is effortless and easy. I feel more comfortable around you than anyone I've even met. Including my family. Except maybe my cat. Humans, though? You're the best I've met. And you apparently like me too. Still trying to wrap my head around that.

    I'd list all your good qualities, but it would take too long. Settle for this: Nobody is perfect, but you come dang close. I'd fight anyone you wanted me too. I'd die for you.

    But none of that matters at all. I can't change anything. I'm powerless. I hate it. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to help, you're leaving, moving away, and it's tearing me apart.

    The worst part is that I don't even feel I deserve to be so angry and depressed about this. I mean, I've only really known you for three weeks or so. I hate myself for not taking advantage of last year to talk to you. You sat next to me in math. Every day. For half a year. And did I talk to you? No. Not until a little at the end. I could have. But I wasted that. Just like I wasted English class. I despise myself for it.

    And the greatest mystery. Why did people say you were ugly? It makes no sense to the point where I, a normally chill guy, want to physically harm multiple human beings. Why did your boyfriend cheat on you? What could possibly inspire him to risk losing you? I can't think of anything.

    And now I'm losing you, too. But not because I didn't try hard enough or because I cheated, but because of circumstances neither of us can change no matter what we want.

    We swear we're going to keep in touch, visit each other, even. But how long can that last? You know how my parents are.

    I'm still trying to get my head around it. You're moving. I will hardly be able to see you anymore. A beacon in the darkness of my life, extinguished. This always happens. Why did I expect a different outcome this time? All the good things in my life are either denied to me or torn away shortly after I get them.

    I'm back to having nothing. Keep moving, try to keep grades up, try to act like you aren't being ripped apart from the inside in front of people. I've been here before. Many times. This time feels different though. I've been knocked down so many times that I wonder if this is the one that I don't get up.

    And who can I turn to for support? None of my "friends" care. My parents don't care. You were the only one that I could talk to, and now I can't talk to anyone.

    I've got to keep the tough, emotionless facade on permanently, it seems. I wear it like an armor, but armor cracks. This might shatter it. Being able to be me without being judged was addicting. I only felt that around you. Another thing I lost.

    It's cold here. Usually the cold doesn't bother me. I'm a warm person. This time wouldn't be any different except that it is. The chill in my bones is because of something entirely different.

    There's fire in my veins. I'm angry at life, those around me, and especially myself. This is going to be tough. I can usually keep my temper in check but if someone crosses me I don't know that I can control myself.

    I was already stressed to the point of breaking. Anymore and I'll snap. This might send me over the edge.

    I just want you to remember that you're dang near perfect. In looks and in soul. I wish this could've gone a different way. That's all I want to be honest. Nothing more.

    From
    Sincerely
    Love
    Loved
    Kendall
     
  2. The feels are strong.
     
  3. You just pretty much summed up life bud. You will find sooner or later that no how successful or good things are, in the end we are ALL on our own.

    I promise you will have many more situations like this as you go through this little roller coaster of a ride. Change is inevitable after a while and we are generally powerless to do anything about it. All we can do is keep moving forward.

    I don't recall if I came up with this or if I read it somewhere, and it's paraphrased if I did read it but I like this saying....

    "Don't be angry or sad that it's over, instead be happy you were able to experience it and cherish the time you got"

    Good luck and remember, the only person you truly need to be happy is yourself.
     
  4. What the heck. I seriously don't remember posting this :lol:
     
  5. Is there a TL;DR version?

    Thanks.
     
  6. If it's meant to be then fate will make it happen. Stay strong snowman. Plenty of ppl here that you can talk to and have an ear for what you are going thru. Life is never easy and it's always full of challenges.
     
  7. Think XxFrontxX summed it up perfectly.just be yourself and you will find yourself,the ups & downs are lessons of life. Take them onboard and learn from them.
     
  8. When a girl moves location to get out of seeing someone alarm bells should be ringing. Just don't be so desperate next time girls don't like it when guys are so clingy, they generally want a man not a wuss who they have to share the tissues with, so dry your eyes and move on.
     
  9. Player it sounds like they are young. Seems maybe she is moving away with her parents and its out of their control. Doesn't sound like he messed it up.
     
  10. Ah, the wonders of hormone-driven fits of emotional turmoil.

    I don't miss being a teen.

    Don't worry, bud. You'll get through it. 
     
  11. Just for the record, this is all technically true, but I apparently wrote it late at night/early in the morning so my addled brain over exaggerated everything to the point where it's funny enough not to delete.
     
  12. Her dad took a job somewhere else so she has no choice. I'm not actually super desperate and clingy but since it was late at night things got interesting.
     
  13. Op needs to get laid.
     
  14. You are my favorite forumer
     
  15. being a teen is hype, trying out new experiences .....