5 Uses for your New Monocle

So you have purchased a Monocle. Congratulations, you have broken into the inner circle of pretentious ass wads who likely enjoy exotic cheeses and Foie gras (Sidenote, Congratulations, you're a **** to ducks and geese now).

Now that you have purchased this Monocle, you likely haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. Fear not, brave reader, because I am here to walk you through the wonders of Monocle ownership, and how it can change your life, and the lives of those unfortunate victims around you. Brace yourselves, you're about to become a part of the ridiculously snobby upper class elite.


Mmmm, yes sir, I'll bring the Rolls Royce around front.


1. Sneak into Exclusive Art Museums

There's one thing that every little boy and girl dreams of since they're old enough to dream at all, ever. Period. And that is of course, mingling amongst Art Snobs, while also being entirely out of your element. Which art museums will you sneak into using your newfound James Bondocle-Monocle? Art with class, such as DaVinci's or Van Gogh's? Or perhaps a Modern Art Museum?


If you don't understand it, you're not wearing your monocle right.

2. Gossip with British Royalty

It is good and right that British royals should wear a Monocle at all times. As such, nobody, not even those funny mute guys with dong hats will think twice of it if you sneak in to the Palace of Bucking Hams and speak freely with the Queen and other, lesser royals.


Nobody gives a **** about you, Charles.

Using the information you get from these seemingly innocent conversations with the royals, you can discover long hidden secrets. Was Diana killed by her own family? Are they all really Lizards? Do Lizards like Foie Gras?
And of course, you can sell this information to the highest bidder, because we all know human nature dictates that we are all dic-tates.

3. See things from a Great Distance

Up until this point, we have assumed your Monocle was of the average variety. Round, with a Glass Lense. No, bad. Shame. You're thinking with logic. No.


No.

You see, Monocles can be made with a variety of uses. Telescopes of great power and uh... scope, strapped to your face. I'm a big fan of telescopes. I can take a lot of scope, is what I'm saying. Using your Mono-scope, Tele-Monocle, or whatever you so choose to call it, you can read important information from great distances. Or perv on your hot neighbor. Your choice.

4. Rule Over the World with an Iron Fist
Using your previously gained information regarding the British Royalty, and the funds you have accumulated selling said info, you have now purchased an arsenal of Nuclear Weapons. Don't pretend you haven't.
Using this new arsenal, you can hold the world hostage, taking control for yourself, and slamming all opposition into the dirt like Bernie did Hillary.


Still better than Trump.

You will obviously have to come up with a name for yourself. Sir Baron von Monocleham of Dukington should work, and will strike fear into the hearts of all who oppose you. If you can also put Monocles on all of your Nukes, it would be adorable, while also being terrifyingly ironic at the same time. Like giving Hillary Clinton power.

5. Read Passages from the Necronomicon Easier (And from a Great Distance)
Now that you've taken over the world, using only the power of your Monocle, read things from a great distance, perved on your hot Neighbor, and become total dictator of the world and all surrounding planets, you are growing old. Your reign is coming to an end. You sense that soon an attempt on your life will be made. But you watched Evil Dead, and you didn't take away the right lessons from it. You seek eternal life, using the Necronomicon Ex Mortis.


Charming, dear chap.

Using your monocle, you may read it with only one eye. You may read it with slightly blurry vision. You may read it from a great distance! (The preferred way). You may read it however you desire. You have achieved immortality, and only at the cost of your soul, but lets face it. If you wear a Monocle in the first place, you have no Soul. You can't lose.

 

I'm flattered.

 

See: 5 Uses for your new Secretly Evil Furry Cat

 

Yes but is there a Monocle tho?

 

I should add 'Beating Dead Horses' to the list of Monocle wearing abilities.

 

You have a condition sir.

 

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