It was a very sunny day in July. Alex, a nineteen year old male, was walking to his home from school. He was wearing a light grey t-shirt and jeans. He had black hair and brown eyes. Walking down the sidewalk, red lights were flashing beside him. Just ambulances attending their calls, he guessed. He noticed more and more coming. He thought it was strange. He continued to walk when he noticed people running into houses, screaming. Something was going on. Alex pulled out his pen out his backpack and clicked it. He looked up and saw a man. He was moaning and groaning. His skin was pale. He smelled awful. Alex noticed there was a bite mark on his neck."H-hello?" Alex said. The man turned around and faced Alex. He can now see his face. There was blood oozing out his eye sockets, there was flesh in between his teeth. Alex stood there, fear has took control of his body. The man then let out a blood curling scream. He sprinted for Alex. He tackled him, knocking the breath out of him. He was a lot stronger than Alex. He struggled to keep the man off him. Alex managed to push him off, he quickly got on to his feet and got his pen ready. "Come on man, I don't want to do this.." Once again, the man charged at him again and Alex placed his pen right into his neck. He dropped, motionless.
Has good potential, but I found it too short, and it kills the momentum. Such as: "He got him off him, held the pen in his right hand, and place it in his neck." I would have written something like: (First Person) I shoved him off me, gasped for breath, and shoved myself up from the ground. I stood my ground as he slowly picked himself up, scraping dead skin and blood on the ground in doing so. "Common man, I don't want to do this..." I muttered as he turned around to face me again. I gripped my pen in my right hand or the third time, trying to get a good hold over the cold sweat on my palm. As he charged toward me a yelled and stabbed the pen in his neck. It stuck true, and blood squirted out. It clutched its neck, but too late. It fell on the ground, motionless. Then I fainted. I added the fainted part because it gives you a sort of cliffhanger. What happens next? What I just showed you is my style of writing. If you read it, it'll probably have a much greater amount of suspense, and it doesn't kill it with "he placed it in its neck." Good luck. I hope you can continue writing and fix those errors. Who doesn't love a zombie story?
You got me there, Valiant. I admit it, I failed. And I called myself a grammar nazi. Dave, lots of people don't like Zombie stories for that reason. Personally I don't mind Zombie/Post Apocalyptic stories, as long as they're well written. Though as I said, it's not for everybody.
Phoenix, I might go for first person on the next one. It's seems a lot better in first person than in third.
This chapter is a little boring. Sorry. Day One of Outbreak I picked myself off the ground. Dark red stained my stained my shirt. I felt sick. I gave the motionless man a stare. A puddle of dark red came from his neck. What the heck was going on? I had to get out of there fast. I sprinted to my apartment. There was more of those widows on the way. I was terrified. I finally reached my apartment and scrambled through my keys. I stuck my key in and turned right. Ka-chunk! I quickly locked the door behind me. I darted my eyes to my drawer. I opened the drawer and pulled out a black case. I opened it with a key a picked up a Revolver. I only had six shots. I gave the gun a jerk, making the chamber pop out. I put the bullets in one by one. I popped the chamber back. I emptied my backpack, I put in a first aid kit, some canned food, a can opener, and a switch blade.
It is obviously gunna have a lot of I 's if its written first person. Unless he put "Then" before I or something.
Thanks King of Death. And yes, I have at least one short-long story that I posted in TWC somewhere... This is the OP's thread, though, so I can't post it here. OP, it's getting better. I noticed a few mistakes, such as the double type and the "widows"? The "I" thing happened a lot to me when I first started writing, and it ruins your story. That's the main problem with 1st person. Try to make it have more "me"s and "myself"s. Avoid using the same word (not common words, those are fine) more than once in the same paragraph. In my short revision of your last paragraph in Chapter 1, I wrote "I shoved him down. I shoved myself up from the ground." It gets repetitive. Avoid doing it as much as possible. Also, try to slow down the story. Explain things more. I had a story called "Defiance" a year back or so. It was terrible. It moved way too quickly, had underdeveloped characters, etc. Notice how I stretched one of your paragraphs to three paragraphs. Explain much more. Go into detail. Don't examine a fallen free trunk for three pages like J. R. Tolkien, but explain. For example, explain how he got le random Revolver. Good luck, and keep it coming.
The next chapter is gonna have a new character and some more action. It's also gonna be longer than the others.