Before Betrayal: Feedback

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by *iPimella (01), Aug 5, 2010.

  1. Please post comments and critisisms here :)
     
  2. Not bad, I'd prefer a action scene or something in the beginning though to get me more interested. Introducing characters got really boring... Also, if you're going to character introduction for your first chapter, less characters! I might be fine if it was 3-4 or something, but 13 or w.e? Way too much! It will get confusing real quick. If you asked me the details, or even whether one of the characters was a boy or girl by the name, I wouldn't be able to tell. (seems like the storyline will be nice though)
     
  3. Don't get discouraged though xP (i'm harsh I guess )
     
  4. Yeah I realize that but the story is so complicated, I couldn't do it any other way. My usual problem is starting with an action sequence and having everyone be confused so I was trying not to do that and ended up on the other side of the spectrum aka boring. Thanks for the feed back though  check out the dark army, my other story if you want a story that starts with action
     
  5. Cool. I'm sure it's just a matter of time until you find that perfect balance :)
     
  6. Yeah the key word there? Time... Well Ty for the feedback and gnite!
     
  7. Gloomi,

    First of all, I see the potential of the story, and would definitely like to read some more.

    Second, I enjoy how you lure your readers with the ideas of being called the average Joe, and end up with the twist to open the story. That was fun.

    However, I feel you could maybe spend a little time to slow down the introductions of light vs. dark communities and its associated sects. "Syndicate in Nymnid" showed up, kind of out of the blue, after you explained the character is living with thousand-year old teenagers. It would be nice to find a way to tie them together, and to show that Syndicate in Nymnid is actually the dark community at the beginning of the story, when SoN was first mentioned.

    In the middle of the story, 2 names showed up: Re’iot and Ter’iot. Are they supposed to be the same? You said Wawaol united the Shndae against the 2 sects, and it was pretty easy considering they possess the most dangerous dark abilities. I was confused about "pretty easy" - how would it be easy to unite people against something powerful, especially if the Shndae are deadly afraid of their powers?

    There is a paragraph on "souls"... which is kind of misplaced, imo. I am sure it is an important explanation to the story. The paragraph talks about soul, spirit, and subconscious. How does it tie into SoN or the Shndae? How is it different than humans? Perhaps spend a little more time clarifying that?

    Now, I don't mind the introduction of sect members as much - it was fun to figure out how they are all related. However, I feel it would be good to reinforce this for a little while as you advance in your story, i.e. "This was something that all would complain about except Jexna, daughter of the goddess Nymnid, who would just sit quietly in a corner. " This way, the reader is constantly reminded of the relationship, and don't have to keep wondering who is related to whom and how, or keep going back to chapter 1 for reference.

    And lastly, I am intrigued to find out how Celiana has the power of SoN if she was found at the doorstep, rather than born into SoN. :)


    I hope I didn't offend you or your story in anyway. I just write out how I feel and what confuses me. Everyone takes criticism differently, so..... I hope I am not too far away from constructive. :)
     
  8. hahaha  Dark Army is related to this story. I've only begun to read Dark Army, but so far, it is definitely more clear to follow. 
     
  9. Well you're kinda supposed to read the dark army cuz then everything would kinda make sense why I was explaining it... But it doesn't really matter cuz no ones gonna do that lmao
     
  10. hahaha  sry. Didn't know, but u r right.
     
  11. Yeah  i didn't do so well for its prequel
     
  12. Chapter 2 up! More action this time for you guys chriztion and devartemis :p :mrgreen:
     
  13. What has he been working on? 
     
  14. The new chapters nice. More action definately , get to know the character chapters still though, right?
     
  15. What? I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean chrizteon?
     
  16. Chapter 3 is up
     
  17. Chapter 4 and 5 are up, yes I am in a really bad mood today.
     
  18. Chapter 6 up, this is the end of part one.
     
  19. Necrobumping is gravedigging